dont say we are not meant to be

tale as old as time

2009-10-28T12:47:00.003+08:00

it has been some time since i have blogged.i havent been too busy to rant about my life but its just that i dont have the feel to write about my loserish life(well,its not exactly loserish but i think it is loserish)

its been a whirlwind 3 months i have to say.so many things have happened.from me arriving here in canberra all alone,hoping for a brand new start and a new lease of life to now,me trying to study for exams so i can get home on the 17th of november A.S.A.P.life has been good to me,i have to say.and i thank god for that.

looking back now,i dont regret my decision of coming to canberra.initially,it was really hard trying to adjust to the time,the weather and the friend-less situation here.(well,if we talk about friends,i would be equally friend-less in singapore since i realised that those i thought were my friends were actually fake-os)

now,it feels so different.i am thankful for what i have here.i have great people around me,people that i feel are genuinely AWESOME.they may not be much to other people but they mean a lot to me (: WHOOTS (:

and with them,came you.and for that,i am thankful for that.there is nothing much to say.

i already missed him even though he just left the room.but his kiss lingers on (:

sometimes i wonder what he sees in me.i am not gf-material considering what happened previously.(my failure in r/s says it all) and i am not exactly the kind of girl any guy wanna bring home to their mum and say "she is the one for me".he asked me to be more confident of myself.i am confident of myself.i am just not confident of myself IN LOVE.thats why.

i wouldnt say i am falling in love with him cause love is over-rated and the higher expectations you have about anything(love especially),it falls to the ground even faster and smashes your heart into trillion of pieces.

he is imperfect.i know for sure and he told me that.
i am imperfect.he knows for sure and i told him about it.

but for every imperfection we both have,its funny how we would both laugh it off (:

this is what it should feel like,this is how it should be.

my imperfect stalker (:

you dont know me

2009-10-03T15:19:00.000+08:00

i am lazy to walk out to eat since its raining but hey,its much better than johns' food.food sucks these days considering its school holidays.

i am lazy to even go shower.shit.

he is going to break up with his gf? omg.

SANDSTORM.here i come (:

2009-09-27T09:27:00.002+08:00

i am going to sydney like now now today today! what the hell right? we just decided yesterday.OMG.

this is the most spontaneous trip ever.i havent done my laundry(well,i just did them since i woke up like around 9 plus thanks to dalton waking me up)

i am AWESOME (: see you in a few days' time (:

OFF TO SYDNEY (:

to you.

2009-09-27T02:19:00.001+08:00

rocky
my beloved puppy/doggy
has passed on peacefully at the age of 11 on thursday,24th of september 2009 at 1pm.
i miss you
):

should i be happy?

2009-09-22T16:33:00.001+08:00

i am over you.
almost over you.
and i am scared.

you are my dirty little secret

2009-09-21T12:43:00.001+08:00

i am here to blog because i am about to start on my essay and i dont feel right at all.i need to warm up first.

life has been good here.school is almost over with just this week left to survive before sch ends for a 2 week break.zmg.and i have one psych essay and one lab book to write and i am done ((: woohoo (: i cant wait! (:

i am doing my laundry now ((: i am a good girl (:

my parcel hasnt reached me which pisses me off.omg.

off to do my essay now (: wish me luck (:

Love is not weak, it is beautiful.

2009-09-18T03:59:00.001+08:00

its like 550am here in canberra and once more,my sleeping pattern is screwed up like hell.its surprisingly how i could sleep at 2am consecutively for 2 days straight and today,i am having insomnia.my life is just pure weird.

i havent been up to much.i didnt even go to moose today cause some of us studied.BOOOOO.what a stupid excuse.everyone was out at tav having so much fun and blasting awesome music while some of us were in the study room studying.OMG.

i just peeked through my window.the sky is bright already.OMG.

i am coughing like hell.so does *coughs*.i think he caught my cough when he fed me this twig-like thing at the korean restaurant.hmmmm.oh wells,it is nothing i am sure.but i just cant help but notice how he makes me feel comfortable.its not all the time,someone comes and give you this kind of feeling.

since you disappeared from my life,i have not felt this feeling before.not even with him.yes its true.

but no,he is out of bounds because of one problem.he is taken already.and no,stealing is taboo.so now,i will just burrow a hole and try not to be so comfortable with him.but it just comes naturally between us.for some strange reason.

he makes me laugh.he pokes fun of me.he is nice.he piggy-backed me back from mooseheads.he calls me up for breakfast.he buys a copier card for me from the library cause i mentioned that i needed one.he holds my hand as we walk around moose.he is just him.

please dont let me fall in love with him.please please please.

how have you been? i just wanted to ask cause i miss you.so much ):

running my fingers through your soul

2009-09-14T00:33:00.002+08:00

its been a while since i blogged so here goes (:

well i am actually bored so i am blogging.oops.its like 213am here and i am supposed to be studying for my psych test tomorrow.i actually thought i didnt have to study for it but then looking through the contents,i think i had better study or else i will be very SCREWED. (:

i am AWESOME (:

anyway,whats up this weekend? nothing much except for tennis with the boys and singing k but i totally didnt sing cause of my hoarse throat! omg.i cant ruin my singing talent omg! (just kidding)

*ong na na will know my "true" talent for singing right? (:

i shouldnt make a fool out of myself until i have decided that a fool is what i wanna make out of myself (: hahahahahahahha! so yes,no one knows how i sing.YET.and i think the boys are curious cause i know the lyrics to almost ALL the songs since they saw me mouthing the lyrics.but omg,i cant help it! cause it has been so long since i sang k! right peeps?! omg.

the next time i am going to sing k,i will sing myself hoarse! thats a deal (:

how i met your mother has been awesome (: it keeps me entertained in the night and keeps me happy (: so does russell peters (: i lubb him (: he is just simply AMAZINGGGGGGGG (:

i should go study soon (:

i dont know why but i am feeling happy today.let me seee...

1. i spent ALMOST THE WHOLE DAY SLEEPING.(i lovee longggggg sleeeppppppp)
2. i saw him today at dinner (:
3. i have gotten some info about the update on *coughs*
4. MY PRAWN IS FEELING HAPPY AND AWESOME! (now we are talking about life!)
5. i havent done much work to piss me off (:
6. my mum is shipping over my psp and retainers over (:

okay now i am happy.not AWESOMELY HAPPY but yes,happy (((:

i forgot what i wanted to say! omg! ))):

I NEED MOOLAH SOON.argh.

on top on the happiness cheery mood,there were pissing things as well.(life aint going to be so nice to me,you know)

1.my mum successfully pissed me off at every skype lesson with her "lectures"

here.6 happy things versus 1 pissy thing.

HAPPINESS WINS (: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

oh oh and yes no mooseheads this week (: partying on thursday EVERY week can be tiring you know! (: but i cant ensure when i will be back out,partying and rocking hard to the music again (:

oh oh another happy thing to add on!

7. i texted him last night but he didnt reply.BUTTTTTTT...he told me something just now when we spoke on msn. ((:

i shouldnt be so happy you know.i mean when i am happy means i expect something.but i know i shouldnt cause i know he cant promise me anything.sometimes i wish he wouldnt say back the same things as i say to him.

i wonder if his 3 words to me have the same meaning as my 3 words to him.

a note to you,

i hope you are okay.i wish i was the one next to you,comforting you.i wish i can listen to your woes.i wish i can be here for you.i wonder how you can possibly be feeling now.i wonder.there are so many things i wonder about.i just wish we can talk.like normal friends.you will always have a place in my heart.this is my promise to you.

edited/

i am still wide awake.i think i have insomnia.or my body clock is just fucking screwed.omg.
i hate this.
cause when i cant sleep in the night,you come to my mind! ):

its as simple as abc

2009-09-11T07:37:00.003+08:00

the silence isn't so bad,till I look at my hands and feel sad,cause the spaces between my fingers were right where yours fit perfectly.i wish you were here.a bit of me always die whenever we end an argument with "i hate you".

screams

2009-09-10T14:11:00.001+08:00

TODAY IS SO NOT MY DAY!

hmmm

2009-09-10T02:52:00.002+08:00

i wonder if you are still with.....

thinking about this at 453am,hurts.

i am not sorry.

2009-09-02T03:29:00.002+08:00

its like 530am in the morning here and i am still wide awake.

almost done with my gender studies essay! it just needs a few touch-ups tomorrow(i mean tonight) then it will be ready to be handed up and my life will be calm for a while before the next essay storm comes and screws up my life.

lab report tomorrow too ): omggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggg.

i hate labs.who in the freaking world invented labs! YOU &^&^*&(*^*&%&^%^&$^%$%

anyway,he was nice (: he brought back macs at 1am in the morning(: how sweet of him (: oh please,dont let me fall for him.please please please.

TIME TO SLEEP.or rather watch something till i feel tired?

civics tomorrow (: how about some wanton mee for some encouragement tomorrow? ((:

i am growing fat.i feel it (:

rock on with me baby

2009-09-01T00:52:00.002+08:00

i just spent like 2 hours of my stupid life looking at ads again for my gender studies.wtfug.i thought i had already decided on what to do but apparently i changed my mind again.

TOMORROW I BETTER START DOING MY GENDER ESSAY OR I WILL BE REALLY WEALLY PISSED!

argh.

there is nothing much to say actually.

i am NOT in love.
i am still breathing.
i am trying to finish all my outdated homework(so screwed for exams if i dont)
models are freaking hot especially gisele bundchen who is staring at me right now.
i am having a sore throat(dont like that)
i have cravings for AWESOME food and not disgusting hall food.
i still havent decided where to stay for next semester
I WANNA START SAILING!
i need to shop before i spasm out and die
j.s is still SO DAMN HOT!
no clubbing this thursday since i am attending a friend's birthday party (clubbing is just merely postponed)

okay,though i said i dont have much to say,i apparently have tons to rant about.boooo!

i am feeling good.i hope tomorrow there are hash browns and 894574895798578 half boiled eggs for me (:

i am going to watch my hk show now (: i love hk drama shows now.this is so damn shit.

oh wells.

i miss home.i do.skyping with my family last night was therapeutic.home seems so chaotic now with all the pressures mounting.i dont wanna be another source of worry.but apparently my parents already have their own opinions(which makes me so pissed) BUT i will not be mad.i am just going to show them with my actions.

YOU BETTER START MUGGING I TELL YOU,YOU SLACKER SHIT! (mental screaming to myself for a reminder)

good morning,world.

and i wish people will stop telling me things about you so i dont have to feel sad.i hope you are happy.i suppose you are.

insatiable

2009-08-30T23:28:00.000+08:00

i have an insatiable craving for half boiled eggs now!

SHIT.

time is not on our side

2009-08-30T21:35:00.001+08:00

i wish i had the time to really write out a nice post to update humans about my life here in canberra.

but i have a quiz tomorrow and i havent studied for it.SHIT? and i plan to watch some hk drama serial before i sleep.but you know what? i may not even sleep tonight.booooo.sucks.

i should go watch and then go study (: lovely.

anyway,chao (:

i miss home,dearly.

BACK (:

2009-08-23T21:18:00.002+08:00

BACK FROM SYDNEY! (:

will update when i have time.i have tons of shit to do )): its a busy week for steffi ):

but i had fun.lotza of it (:
and i am moving to sydney when i graduate.
there is no way i am living in canberra
even though it has the highest GDP capital.
HECK.
there is no life here man.

i am still a city girl (:

party with me

2009-08-21T12:17:00.000+08:00

OFF TO SYDNEY (:

<3

if you dont mean it

2009-08-14T09:27:00.002+08:00

hey everyone [=

sorry for not blogging for like tons of days.somehow,when i am here in aussie,i dont feel so emo.or rather,i feel emo but i dont feel the urge to write it down.perhaps its a sign that the pain is finally going away? bullshit,i told myself that months ago.

ski trip was painful.since i fall to stop myself? hahahaha! even kids ski better than me.what rubbish man.like small little kids.bullshit.and did i mention,i slammed into 2 kids and this boy came up to me(since i was on my back after i fell),and screamed "OMG,THATS SO COOL,DO IT AGAIN!"

seriously,this kid is a wreck.i mean why would you ask someone to slam into kids again and fall like some splattered mud on the ground? told you,the kid is a wacko.

clubbing last night was fun.didnt get groped or whatever.guys were great.but i think clubbing will be more fun with my girls around!

YUNNIE,VERNIE
lets go clubbing soon!

hmm,what else is there? i love laksa maybe cause my appetite is like shit once i reached canberra so i need it to simulate my taste buds.i cant wait to eat good food!

sydney next friday till sunday [= eggcited! but there is one main concern.there are 5 guys and 1 girl and damn right,that one girl is ME.woooo.and i will sleep with them in one room.how awesome.but i am sure i will be fine.

I AM THE MAN.

i need cash NOW.before i die.holy shit.

i need to study.period.i am going to mug the next 2 days.

thats a resolution! rawr.

(i am trying my best to let you go)

love me for me

2009-08-06T15:20:00.001+08:00

heck it.

i am sticking to this blog.i still love my white background (: hahahahah!

so this is what i am going to say.

ERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.

bye (: going to watch shows now (:

i wanna eat domino!

(no,you are broke)
(no,but you are hungry)
(no,BUT YOU ARE DEAD BROKE)

ahhhh fug it! i hate it when my head argues!

redirecting me (:

2009-07-21T23:08:00.001+08:00

hi everyone who reads my blog.i have re-directed it to something cuter (:

http://atrainwreckofemotions.tumblr.com/

take note all right?

loves (:

its that subtle

2009-07-21T00:41:00.002+08:00

a subtle hint you asked.

i know it deep in my heart but there is also one more thing i know.

i am not ready.i am not ready to commit.i am afraid of commitment.its a phobia for me right now.

i am sorry.sorry for being the way i am.but i havent healed yet.i havent given myself my own quality tie to grieve for what i have lost.

and i dont wanna rush into things,making you a sacrifice.

i am not like you.

i am trying my bloody hardest

2009-07-18T18:37:00.000+08:00

i am still grappling with the issue of you.and i mother hate this.

why am i so weak? why do i have such emotions so easily.i wanna be more hard-hearted.i wish i could be.

i will not try to numb myself.i will not fool around just so i can forget you.that will not be me.if you presume i would,then you dont know me well at all.it seems you are happy and hopefully you are but your happiness rides on my own happiness.i bet you dont know that.

bloody weak,i am.

argh.

i came halfway round the world to put this all behind.i am not giving up now.

cant you see that i am trying?

2009-07-17T23:12:00.002+08:00

i just feel emo now.wth.

its like waves.it comes and go.in short frequencies.when it comes,it rushes to shore and fill up the beaches.when it subsides,it leaves a mark behind,indicating that it has been there before though its gone.

this is how i feel.

about you.

life is good when i am filled up to the brim,too busy to think about anything else except with what i am supposed to be focused in doing.

but when life becomes slower,you start to come to mind.you start to fill my mind.and memories all come flooding back.true,memories fade with time and time heals the wounds but like i said,wounds can heal but there will always be a scar.

you.

will always be my biggest scar.

where could i have done right,then? what did i do wrong? how could i have made things different?

whatever.perhaps you dont even care.no,no,i take it back.YOU DONT CARE.so why bother?

just give me a few more days.just give me some time to myself and it will all be better,i hope.

i hate it when you come to mind.i just do cause i know in your heart,i am nobody.but in my heart,you are still somebody.

its so late and humans are still coming in and out of the hostel.

i am tired.i wonder if i have energy to get up for breakfast tomorrow.shoot.

i am addicted to my itouch by the way.

school starts on monday (:

when the nights get cold

2009-07-14T23:12:00.002+08:00

enrollment was great though waiting was such a bitch.i have thought over what i want to do and honestly,i know i dont like sciences so much so i have decided to combine it with arts to take a combined degree whch means i will be canberra for 4 years instead of 3 (:

i have made great friends which is weird considering i am the only girl out of the 3 guys but they are really great (: we were in jj's room talking crap and laughing our arses off.and of course,the boys went to see if putting their undies in the dryer for 1 hour will make them shrink.boys will be boys,wouldnt they? hahahaha!

hall is great except that i guess orientation for hall hasnt officially started so i dont really know the seniors well though i see them half naked or fully naked.wth

tomorrow is meeting the arts dean then to the library to use our 1gb quota! woohoo! and omg,plan my stupid timetable (:

and omg,talking about this.i am taking gender,sexuality and culture for my arts major.I KNOW I ROCK SOCKS (: HAHAHHA!

i pre-ordered my iphone (: woohoo!

i am tired.so tired.and i have been gorging myself on chocolates.wth.having vending machines near my hall doesnt help a shit.

and its freezing out there.its seriously damn FREAKING COLD.

i miss my parents.
i miss food in singapore.
but i will hang on.
i came all the way to move on
and move on is what i will do (:

loves from aussie me (:

i might as well cheat on you

2009-07-13T19:21:00.002+08:00

HELLO EVERYONE (: greetings from canberra,the town of ghosts (:

its my 3rd day here and oh boy,i have explored so much.though yes,i was kinda alone the first day and on the second day but on the third day,i have made some really good friends.we went for orientation together and ate like pigs (: typical students right?

2 guys are from malaysia while one is from singaporean and omg,this singaporean took the same flight as me throughout and he saw me cry at the airport.HOLY SMOKE.unglam! and this other malaysian took the transit plane from sydney to canberra and i was sleeping like a pig and my head was like swirling.WTH.unglam number 2.but they are really fun people to tall to.especially the other malaysian.he is the best.he locked his phone and forgot the code.apparently he broke off with his gf before he left and hence he tried codes like "bitch,hateyou,bloodyidiot" etc.damn funny man seriously.i will just ask him tomorrow if he manage to unlock his phone or not or else i will just tell him "BUY NEW PHONE LA" hahahaha!

i am tempted to buy an iphone here la people.its like 19 bucks here and at the end,i still get paid back for my handset.AUSTRALIA IS COOL YO! singapore dont have this at all.wth.and of course the macbook here is like wth.everywhere is mac.INCLUDING THE SCHOOL COMPUTERS.pissed off.

AUSTRALIA IS MAC-BOOK LAND.anything else,can go die.seriously

and i have to get an internet connection shit.15aus for 1gb is like how FREAKING expensive.other halls is like 6 or 7 bucks.my gosh.i think mine is so expensive cause i get room service (cause it assistants come to my room to fix it) or it could just be johnxxiii college is like rich man land.BUT i am no rich girl so wth.

i am on msn with the 3 guys now and dug,ky cant unlock his phone! hahaha! resign to fate man! wth.

skyping with mummy and daddy soon (:

oh and i managed to talk to a few people from home ((: nice!

my internet connection is like a bitch.argh.

i went to shower and guess what?

THIS GUY FROM THE SHOWER CAME OUT,NAKEDDDDDDD! OMG.with just a towel.

god loves me.i know it now.

oh baby,get your armour ready

2009-07-10T16:10:00.002+08:00

LEAVING FOR AUSSIE IN 4 HOURS TIME!

screams.

last minute packing,i am still trying to figure out what else i have left out.TYPICAL ME.last minue-packer is me (: winner!

a lot of loves have been pouring in from all sides to wish me all the best.and boy,i do feel so touched.i suddenly dont wanna leave ): oh but i know,heading down there will make me a better person and so much more.

i will be okay.i promise.

if i am going to be eaten by sharks,i will promise to eat the sharks so i can keep myself alive okay (:

hugs.to all my bffs out there!

i love you all.you know i do.so muchoooo.

love is a battlefield.so you better go get your armourrrrrrrrrr.
hahahahahah! i love this song now (:

will update when i reach aussie and settle in (: hugs

sing along this song with me

2009-07-09T02:04:00.004+08:00

1 day to me leaving for aussie.oh boy,time really do flies.so scary ):

i have packed half-way.i think? i managed to get my lazy ass up this afternoon cause my maid was hounding me non stop.and i packed all my clothes.well its not exactly pack.i just folded them and hid them nicely away in my cupboard which i have to say,is TOTALLY filled to the brim.alamak.

and this is the funny thing.its winter in canberra and most/all of my clothes are meant for summer(since i live in singapore right?) holy freaking dumb.whatever.jeans and tees are going to be my attire the next 6 months.that is boring.*crosses fingers* i get to buy new clothes in aussie? ((: that thought makes me happpyyy.woohoo!

finally,i went down to nus to fix my laptop.this time,the man has better fix it well or else i will just feed on grass and water the next few months to get a macbook.argh.

saw my doctor today to bid farewell.i will miss him cause he always make me laugh.why? cause everytime i go see him,he will CONFIRM ask what am i doing now.and my reply will always be "i am a student".funny,he is.

i am nervous.heading to somewhere that i havent never known.out of my comfort zone but i have a really good feeling about this departure.its going to make me grow a lot more.i can feel it.i can see it.i just know it.but i am going to miss a lot of people here in singapore.which is the only sad part.

yes,a part of my story has ended just recently but i am still mourning over that loss of mine.but i know better.time will heal all wounds,isnt this what people always say? it may take a while,i will still cry about it.but the only way to get through it is to deal with it and be through with it right?

so lets not deny the pain,accept it as it is.

this book that i am reading is really opening my eyes.and there is this exercise within the book that asks me to set aside a time in my day to mourn for my loss.so i have decided 11pm to 12am is my mourning time.its a time whereby i can really just break down and cry and heal myself all over again.

i have decided on something that i have long wanted to do and honestly,doing it was great.after that,i felt really great.i feel like i have been liberated.it doesnt matter what my social self have to say.it fears mockery.it fears rejection but my essential self has prompted me that i have to do it in order to find myself totally.

well.its time i start listening to my inner voice,instead of the voices of everybody else out there in the world.

i guess i feel good about my decision to head overseas because my inner voice was my true motivation.it cant be wrong.it can only get better with time (:

grandparents are coming to send me off.gasps.i am really afraid i will break down and cry like a baby at the airport.gasps.

i still have no idea what time i need to be at the airport.this is getting random and silly.booo.i should ask mummy tomorrow again.

and seriously,packing sucks.i hate it and it hates me.

i cant wait to wear my ear muffles! woohoo!

goodnight.

你要的爱我学不来
眼睁睁看情变坏人怔怔看情感概
不能给你未来我还你现在
安静结束也是另一种对待
当眼泪流下来伤已超载
分开也是另一种明白
我给你最后的疼爱是手放开

感情的污点就留给时间慢慢漂白
把爱收进胸前左边口袋
最后的疼爱是手放开
不想用言语拉扯所以选择不责怪
感情就像候车月台有人走有人来
我的心是一个站牌写着等待
最后的疼爱是手放开

我把收音机打开听着别人的失败
啃咽的声音仿佛诉说着相同悲哀
你的依赖还在胸怀
我无法轻易推开我无法随便走开
感情中专心的人容易被伤害

love this song.reminds me of you.

sometimes love comes around

2009-07-07T17:23:00.003+08:00

i am a lazy pig.holy smoke.i woke up at 3pm today.damn right,3pm! AHHHHHH! i cant help it that harry potter is so darn cool now right? booooooo.

tomorrow is the day.the day where i am going to multi-task like crap.

1.go back to nus to fix that(i mean this) bloody laptop.the updating configuration thing is REALLY pissing me off.
(do not make me so mad that i am willing to eat grass and water to buy a macbook.dont tempt me)

2.do my pretty yet so terribly not so pampered nails before i head off to aussie!

3.eat.i terribly need to eat.this sucks balls.argh.

4.PACK! i need to pack.omg omg omg.i just realised.i have too many clothes.hmmmmmmm.whatever!

thursday will be lovely! out with my honey! starbucks ((: hahahahhahaha! out with honey! cant wait (:

there is no time to mop and be emotional.freaking busy these days which is good.keeps my mind off things.

i fucking wish you all the best(not really in the most positive way ever)

she rocks socks.iswear.

edited/

this is the funny thing.
karma is a bitch.
it indeed exists.
it may not work then but eventually it will work
and yesterday proved a point whereby it hit hard.
its not the beginning that matters,its how you end that matters
i guess now all the world will ever remember is how people blotched all the very end.it didnt end on the best note ever.

it ended on the WORST note ever.and thats what people are ever going to remember.so screwed.

karma has done it again.

lets just get it over and done with

2009-07-06T17:29:00.003+08:00

4 days till i leave for australia.

just discovered my parents are taking a full day leave on friday for me.you know why? cause they know i will pack last minute and i will have some things i need to buy at that point in time.i told you i know myself well.

i hope time will push forward in a blink of an eye.cant wait for all this shit to get over and done with.its annoying me horribly.

and so you think life is happy now? well congrats then.and hold on tight.life like this doesnt happen everyday.

*mental note - the inability to detach is YOUR problem,stupid girl.not anyone else's problem.remember that*

and boy,that statement just struck me like a thunderbolt.that statement alone made me cry like some little baby girl and shook me up to reality.yeah,so what if i think you are hard-hearted? so what? its your problem but the reason why i am still stuck here,its MY problem.and that really brought me back to earth.

in 4 days time,i am heading to a unfamiliar place,hoping its the beginning of a life for me,a life with no chains,a life with no memories,a life where i can start right again.

he is right.
only i have the power to control my own destiny.i paint my world with my own colours.i dont depend on anyone to paint it for me and i have foolishly thought you were the one who painted my life for me.i guess thats where everything went wrong,way too wrong.

but now i have known.no one can direct how my life should be.not now,not in the future and not ever again.and thats a liberating thought.

and so i am,wishing you all the best for everything.may happiness come your way.may success always come your way.may you always carry that smile i once loved so much in the past.

this is the best for you.this is the best for me.this is the best situation for us.but no one will ever know the future.our paths may cross again perhaps,but perhaps we will never meet ever again.and i will accept this is the best way we should be going.

life goes on,thats what i will tell myself whenever i think of you.

life never stops for anyone.regardless of whether you are heartbroken,suicidal or even depressed.it never stops.so all we can do is to remove the weeds and keep the best.

life goes on,silly girl.it simply goes on.

since i have taken this way of no return,i will not allow myself to look back.life is about moving forward and not harping on the past right? a lesson that i have taken quite some time to realise.perhaps because i took history.too much focus on the past.

keep your head forward,girl.there is no more turning back.

loving you aint that hard

2009-07-04T23:41:00.003+08:00

6 days to me leaving for australia.

each passing day gets more emotional for me,day after day.it rolls on.and i dont know how much more i can take before i really just break down and cry my heart out.

move on,you said,but have you ever wondered where am i supposed to? oh yes,you have nicely picked your life back together.oh right,i also have nicely picked my life back but its just not the same life i once knew anymore.

you still tug on the heartstrings,your movements or actions still draws me close.and shit,this is not what i want.SHITxxxxx.

i ran,away from you,keeping my distance.

now i am running away from my beloved people to literally get away from this small red dot which i have called home,hoping in a way or another,i can get away from you.i can start building a life that has no more shadow of you.

i am running miles away from a place that i love,people i have loved all my life just cause you have flooded this place with too much memories.

yes,you can say i am weak.being hard-hearted is your problem but the inability to detach is my damn fault and i am not pushing it away.its not your first day knowing me anyway.i was never strong and perhaps i never will be.this is just me.i am the one dealing with the shit now so its my own preferences to do what i deem fit.

i seriously dont have any shit mood to blog.

its just all fucking over.thanks.

my northern star is all screwed up.

words cant be used to describe what i feel

2009-07-03T01:06:00.002+08:00

and when days like this arrive,i love to just turn my phones off and be cut off from the entire world.

its a selfish act.i know but its the only way i know,i can regain my sanity.

just by this point,i know.i have changed.

but i dont wanna change into someone i dont even know.i dont wanna look into the mirror and wonder who is the one looking back at me in my reflection.

when its all over,i am sure i can get myself back.but for now,i just wanna be deaf and blind to my surroundings.

hold my hands and i will stay

2009-07-02T01:00:00.002+08:00

today was GREATTT <3

i managed to spend one whole day with bray ((((: HAPPPYYY TO THE TARTTT! WOOHOO! ((: this is the thing with love.you dont have to be doing anything in particular.anything is just great even if its just walking down orchard road(which we both have done perhaps a billion zillion bobillion times),hand in hand,eating our favourite sundae and laughing and joking with one another.this is love,this is bliss.

naturally,bray being all nerdy and studious(grins),went to border and kino and as he browsed though the shelves,i have noticed just something different about him.i just cant explain it.there is just something that perhaps was there all the while but i just didnt see.

bray is leaving in 2 days time ): and boy,i would miss him ))))):

booooooooooooooooooooooo ):

but i know since he came back to singapore,he has been running against time to spend enough time with me and his family and even his friends.i appreciate it much babybaby.ily.

tomorrow is boyfriend's time again (: woohoo! i cant waittttttaaaaa!

ohh and one more thing,

the facebook thing that talks about the "what god wants you to know" is freaking accurate to the extent its scary

i have been having some forgiveness issues lately but today,says it all.

put it behind and learn the lessons.hmmm,sounds good (:

i love how boyfriend hugs me from behind and read from the same book as i am reading <3 loveeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

xoxoxo.

it just doesnt feel right

2009-06-30T15:54:00.002+08:00

i am feeling highly irritated now and tired

my back is hurting so it doesnt help.

today is not a shit day,i dont wanna have it a shit day.

argh.

this is a shit post.

whatever.

exhausted

2009-06-29T02:17:00.000+08:00

its crappy to NOT being able to sleep enough.these 3 days have been like that and boy,that sucks.

i am tired.

farewell party was really great and omg.i dont wanna leave man.fock.i will miss my peeeps so much.

updates on the event when i am not dead.

pictures! woohoo.

and i still havent decided what to do.and he said something scary like " i know things that you think i dont know"

hmmm.it could be just a scare or it may be true,i dont know.whatever.

i am just waiting for the time when it all falls apart.amen.its called karma.

but maybe not.lets just see about it.

there is one way to ask her

2009-06-27T01:27:00.002+08:00

freaking tired today.

went to like billions of places today to settle my aussie errands.

this is a lousy post but i dont know where i am writing it even.

ayg is on like my doorstep and boy,it gives me the creeps for some strange reason.boooo.

tomorrow is another day and i hope its not an emotional day but i think it will fail terribly.will update again.

bray is being a bad boi.boooo.hahahahaha! but i still love you la.

countdown to leaving singapore for another lease of life - 13 days.

amen.

my heart.a cold hearted stone.

2009-06-26T00:26:00.002+08:00

today,i actually felt emotions overwhelming my whole body.

i bowled the last spot of my entire life.never have i expected this would be how i end my bowling career.never have i expected i would really leave bowling behind.i do wish it knows that i love it a lot.i am quitting not because i hate it(though i always say i do),i am quitting because i know if i continue bowling,i will only be more disappointed in myself and perhaps even the sport itself so before it has reached that irreversible point,i chose to let it go instead.

it hurts.it really do hurts knowing that i would never get to bowl anymore.cause bowling was a really big part of my life.it has given me some of the best mentors in life who taught me precious lessons,people who are friends for life and memories that will always be held close to my heart.

oh boy,now i do realise how much i love bowling.how much it has became part of my life without myself even knowing.

its hard.always hard to leave behind something you love.

walking down orchard road today,brought back many memories.the good and the bad.i had this sick feeling in my stomach cause then i realised,i dont wanna leave at all.

i have to make it right.i need to make things right before i leave.i dont wanna have any more regrets but the problem is where do i even start? i have no idea.

put aside your pride.cause pride always get in the way of relationships.

it hurts to see the way you look at me now.it hurts to know that this is all that is left of the relationship we once built.its all torn up and broken into tiny pieces.

this emotional song is not helping but fuck,its just that emotional.

bray wants me to stop listening and making myself more upset )):

some people are just being such bastards.you know why you are having such a shit life? cause you are always wearing a mask.so dont ask god/whoever why your life sucks.your life sucks cause you made it the way it is.

faggots make me angry and even more pissed.

ilybray.

cause i chose to set you free

2009-06-25T00:05:00.000+08:00

this is getting harder and harder for me each dragging day.

i wish i can get this over and done with and thank god,tomorrow is the last day.

i hate this feeling.i hate myself.full stop.

but i do wonder.when will i ever see you again after i have left.perhaps 3 years? perhaps 10 years? perhaps never.

i dont know what to feel,what to do.i hate this.

you are so fine,you make me blow my mind

2009-06-24T00:37:00.002+08:00

once more,i have a really boring life before i leave for aussie.

zzzzzz.bowling ah bowling.booooooooo.but since i will no longer bowl once i am overseas,lets bowl to my hearts' content while i still can bowl (:

reflecting on my games,uncle jack was right.my attention span is damn short and floats around like some social butterfly.booo.perhaps cause i cant repeat the whole "in the zone" mentality.i dont know what i am lacking.perhaps i lack nothing.its just nature/god's way of telling me that there is something else out there that suits me better.

its sad.to know that after almost 8 years plus of bowling,i am finally hanging up my bowling balls.its really saddening.i swear.but i am sure in these years,i have no regrets.i have made the most fabulous friends in this circle,cried the most tears and made the best with what i have within me.perhaps the only thing i detest about this circle is the same old issues - personnel problems and you.cause in this circle,i knew you and then my life went up and down like a freaking rollarcoaster.before,my life was smooth sailing,my life was very safe.and when you came in,my life was thrown into a whirlwind.

no,no,i am not blaming you for screwing up my life cause i know i screwed my own life up.its no one's fault.i am glad that i got to meet you and had those memories i once shared with you.i am glad that i can hold these memories in my heart.i am glad that from you,i have learnt how to grow up and how love really feels.it took some time to heal.a long long time actually.i cant say for sure that i have totally healed cause i cant heal fully.there is always a scar that reminds me of you but i have chosen to see this scar as the only thing from now on,that would link me to you.cause that is the only thing i have left of you to remind me.

i cant remember how you smell.i cant remember the sound of your voice.i cant remember how you laugh.i cant remember how warm your hands are.i cant remember how you giggle.i cant remember how you will always tease me.i cant remember how you would mess up my hair for no apparent reason.i cant remember your sweet kisses.i cant remember how we would talk on the phone for hours.i cant remember them.as much as i try to recall,the memories are so vague.

this is how the brain works.older memories are fading while new memories are trying to over-run the old ones.the brain has realised that its for the best of mankind in order to perserve our species.

i am amazed at how i actually survived.i never thought that i could still live without you but hey,i did.i defeated it.

someone once described to me that chest pains occurs cause the heart is literally breaking.and oh boy,you have no idea how painful my chest was.perhaps for you,its not as painful as mine cause i have loved you so much more.you had no idea what you meant to me.simply clueless.

you made me grow.you made me love in a way i never imagined before.you made me see what i truly want in a relationship.for that,i thank you.

thank you.

enough of this emo emo mood.its going to make me cry soon.shitxx.

i would love to comment on one thing.

dear lindsay lohan
would you please freaking just break up with that sam idiot now? she asked you to shut the fuck up as you waited outside her house,surrounding by tons of shiny flashing cameras.enough of such drama.she doesnt fucking give a damn so why must you give a damn?

okay,next on

dad and mum argued with me today.its such a stupid and petty reason.i swear.how stupid but i have said sorry to my dad.mum was sleeping already.booooo.hate arguing with my parents.HATE.

bray is the funniest boi ever.he drank 30 bottles of yakult and is still shitting like hell.told you that its strong right? dont believe me.now you know its POWERRRRRR! hahahahha! and your poor girlfriend accompanied you so she is suffering too orh! but i love it (: cause this is the kind of silly things we will do for the fun of it.hahahaah!

i love you penguinboy.

i am freezing.the aircon is so bloody cold.brrrrr.

thursday,i am meeting my lou lou and concubine (: yoohoo! eggcited! (: SOUP SPOON PLEASEEE (: HAHAHAHAHHA! LOVESSS.

oh and i have to meet up with tons of people,i swear.time is running out.i am dead.

i hope my ecoe hurry come to mee! omg.time is running out australia! hurry hurry! i still need to apply for student visa and do my health checkup! omg.now is not the time to sightsee kangaroos orh! omg.

i am tired already.i should go call my boi now (: woohoo!

istillcantbelieveiamengaged.omg.

i'm fighting for this boy,in a battlefield of love

2009-06-22T01:12:00.003+08:00

ka's house for steamboat was nice (: took lots of pictures,ate damn a lot and chatted like little girls.ohh and we watched supernatural (: hahahaha! ka is so cute (: love her to bits.and of course my ong na na too (: hugs.

my stomach dont feel well.i need to take some pills.

tomorrow i need to wake up early.thats such a bitch.but no choice.

tulu.

cause hurtful words are all we exchange.

2009-06-21T00:54:00.003+08:00

another long day.oh boyyy,i am nearly half dead today.

idp pre-departure seminar was great.i get to buy ear muffles! woohoo! and i got my australian number already! eggcited man! (:

went to "work out".i am touched by the amount of love i received.i didnt know how loved i was till today.people whom i hardly know are being so great and nice to me.oh boyyy.

cousin came over to collect his notes.he is NO longer tan.booo.but he is darn funny.i cant take it.hahahahahaha!

i totally need to freaking pack like NOW.or soon but next week i am damn flooded with things.shoot.

i am tired.i miss my boi boi.why do time passes so fast?! hmmm.

how am i going to manage relationships when i am in aussie while others are in uk or singapore? i am still puzzled but hopefully,i really can put those bad things behind and move the crap on.this place is a prison for me.i know it so well.those invisible chains are holding me back.

Your latest ex calls and wants to hang out; what do you say?

if you call,i will most probably stammer and just be in shock for the next 94857983754 seconds.

i am just trying my best to run.i know.but this is the way i chose to handle things.i chose to run and never look back.

i have mixed feelings about it all but i am sure i will sort it out.

i need to read before i lose my insanity.hahahhaha!

i miss my badbad boy (:

its a bit alarming.

2009-06-20T00:55:00.002+08:00

its been a long day.today,i experimented with being thrifty so i didnt brought a single cent out with me and boy,was it terrible.

i travelled from home to nus,to idp back to nus,home then to src.I AM POWER-PACKED.i burnt damn a lot of fats today.yoohoo! now boyfriend cant say i didnt exercise! i exercised more than him today ogay! ((:

src's dinner was okay though the talk between my dad's ex boss and him was really hilarious.uncle jimmy was really frank.and said my dad needs parenting course.i am not saying my dad isnt a good parent,he is a great parent really but just his style of parenting is too harsh in a way.but my dad himself is rather strong headed so i wonder how much of that advice he took in.perhaps i should be like him,nag at him about it since he said "humans all have thick skull"

idp trip was fruitful.i booked my flight on the 12th of july and boy,school starts the next day.i dont even know how long the flight is.bloody.then tomorrow i am going down to orchard hotel to attend the pre-departure seminar.boy,i am nervous la.and i still have to do medical checkup and all,running here and there and to idp too.fudge.and next week happens to be my busiest week thanks to the stupid AHEMS.i cant believe i got cheated to see some particular idiot for one whole week.but oh wells,on the other hand,i get to meet up with people before i leave.i presume next week is my last time bowling and then its over for me.oh man,i will miss bowling.cross my tiny heart.

it feels so surreal to me.i cant believe i am actually leaving so soon but its not a game.i am going there to study my ars off.ts funny how i am always have this affinity for reowned schools.rj was the same.nus too.now anu.this is my second chance.i am not blowing it this time. and did i mention that anu is on a higher ranking than nus? boy,i am screwed.bless me.

i need to pack.soon.before i die.and i need to fill up my scholarship forms so i can hand it in asap.shit.so many craps to do but so little time.i am dead.oh yes,i am.

i need to buy adapters.sigh.

i havent seen my boy for like almost forever.i want my boy i want my boy i want him! ):

(cries and scream like some wild child)

holy shit.its only 11 degree celsius now in canberra.i am screwed.

i need to sleep or else i will be one big fat panda tomorrow.and i cant do that.i need to survive.

i hate the way you talk in circles.what do you wanna say,just freaking say it.i hate people going in freaking circles.

and to you,may god bless your whatever shit.but hold on tight,karma is coming for you.

its just my lousy day

2009-06-18T16:33:00.002+08:00

early in the morning,i got bombed by my mum.wtf.

i am not your dog mum.i am no bitch you can trifle with.please do take note.bloody.

shopping with lou today (: she is the best.listened to my whines and complaining and tolerated my lameness for the day.ZMG.she was a great shopping adviser (: i bought a jumper and heels (: holy moly smoke.and she bought earrings! omg.and this cute necklace.wooooo (:

I NEED TO MEET UP WITH MY CONCUBINE SOON (:
wake up early nia!

i am pissed and fissed.and freaking full.

i shall update later.sighh.

inside,my hope is fading.

2009-06-18T02:09:00.003+08:00

i am tired.

training today was average as usual but honestly,i dont know where i am heading.booo.

anyway.

its done.i need to start packing.fock.

tomorrow i am meeting with my lou lou and concubine! ((: OMGGGGG.SO EXCITEDDD! (((: LOVES LOVES LOVES! we are going shoppingggggg (: yay! ((: omg.please dont buy things you idiot.you cant bring them over! ):

i am tired and this is a shit post.wth.

i want my hostel to have aircon la,mummy! (: YIPPEEEE (:

next week,i have to bowl damn nearly in the morning.zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

boyfriend is going back to uk soon ): NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO ):

tulu.

edited/

you can be fucking in love for all i fucking care.may you rot in hell.and of course,you can forgive.cause you are one of those people.no?

wish you were here

2009-06-17T01:10:00.002+08:00

what a busy tuesday.

my lappy decided to die on me last night after i tried jailbreaking my ipod touch.its such a failed attempt.bloody.so i had to bring it back to nus to fix it before i head overseas.bloody.I WANT A MACBOOK.gnn.

after that,i headed to idp to settle my australia thing.thank god australian national university sent in their offer to me TODAY.BLESS THE LORD.thus i can save 300 bucks on my english test and i get to go in JULY. (: i likeeeeeeeee.

now is the time when it really hits me.i am really going to australia and darn,i will be all on my own.fudge.

mummy said Canberra is really cold with 13 degree celsius when its winter.HOLY SMOKE.

and i googled it.FUDGE.its winter time when i head over for school.HOLY SMOKE.i am going to freeze to death.

its a 3 hour journey to sydney and a 7 hour journey to melbourne.DIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.

there is a pre-departure talk this saturday to obviously prepare the students.i am NOT prepared at all.and i just found out.i can only bring 2 luggages.WTH.

i need to clear most of my clothes soon! i need to meet up with my babes ); and all my friends before i leave.shitxxxxxx.

i am so tired now.hmmmm.i am going to talk to boyfriend on the phone then go to bray-land soon.

i feel like eating big breakfast! i wonder if i should go out tomorrow to buy my stuffs.booooooo.i should see how.

i wanna watch ghosts of girlfriend past.

there is so many things i wanna do.fudge.

this sunday is happening (: yoohoo!

i am tired.boo.

where is my divine intervention?

2009-06-16T02:22:00.002+08:00

its another emotional day for me.i dont wanna talk about it anymore.cause i have written it down in my other blog.

one thing is for sure,
i would rather be misunderstood by you than to have you know the truth and break your heart even more.

i bought boyfriend an ipod touch and guess what? he bought a ipod touch for me as well (:

boyfriend is sweet.

i have problems now with the ipod touch.trying to act smart.die.

pissed off.cheesed off.

2009-06-15T01:55:00.004+08:00

i just broke the fucking record of my life.

i stormed out of the house in a huff cause my mum and i argued.well,technically my sister chased me out of the house.they didnt think i would but i did.fuck fuck fuck.

i stayed at the pool for some time.sister and mum came down to ask me back.fuck care.

i am at bray's house now and boy,am i not boiling mad.bray got a shock when i appeared at his house with my trousers,shirt and a laptop.i was pennyless and phoneless.my gosh.bray had to pay for my cab fee.bloody.

I DONT GIVE A FUCK.

yes,i am wilful.yes i am stubborn.fuck.you didnt think i would dare to walk out of the house right?

well i just proved you wrong.i just fucking did

bray is downstairs cooking something for me to eat now.angry until hungry.my gosh.

this is how much i burn when i am pissed.

fuck.

i am going off.i need to cry right now.

my mum has done it.again.

2009-06-14T22:16:00.001+08:00

my mum has won the jackpot.whats the price you ask? ITS PISSING ME OFF IN THE LITTLEST WAY POSSIBLE.

seriously.sorry for being such a bitch/an ungrateful daughter/horrible child/psycho 19 year old.but honestly,i am being one now.so just let me complain about it for this 5 minutes then after that,i am going to swallow it down and pretend life is all so fucking perfect.

point 1. my dad woke me up this morning,by screaming and shouting(about nasi lemak.we all need to get a grip in life.)

point 2.my mum keeps nagging to me about whether i am studying for my special semester and about my overseas studies.(why cant mothers just freaking relax for a while and stop nagging to their children about their future?)
-like seriously,IF i wanna screw my own life up,just leave me alone.i dont wanna screw up my life.but you being on my nerves 24 hours 7 days a week is horribly pissing.and its making me wanna just give up and fucking screw up my life.

and if you think its not affecting me,it is.more than you can ever imagine.so stop getting on my nerves on this,please.dont make me run away from you when we dont have much time to spend together anymore.i would appreciate it much,mum.

point 3. my mum asked me to pack the bed and she screamed at me when i didnt do WHAT SHE WANTED.

fine this is my fault but honestly? must you scream? i am not your fucking slave,mum.this is the time when i could just scream in her face and said,I WANNA FUCKING LEAVE.NOW.

thank god i didnt say that.or else the consequences will be dire.for once,i have done something right,shutting my mouth up at the right time.

okay,this is enough bitching for the day.and from now on,no more complaining or else i may just lose my sanity.

everyone in my family has been cranky.mum,sister,dad,and EVEN MY MAID.wth.seriously.i chose to turn away from all these outbursts cause i am blaming it on the weather.the freaking HOT weather is making everyone cranky.THE WEATHER HAD BETTER START CHANGING SOON.BEFORE I GET REALLY TICKED OFF.

this is a really vulgar post.booooo.

can i add one more thing to the list since its already so vulgar?

you bitch.you are seriously one mega bitch.you seriously have no idea whose toes you have stepped on.i must have been blind/done something really terrible like murder in my previous life to deserve this shit from you this life.my gosh.i am pissed.darn right,i am.i am trying my hardest to forgive you but hello,i am still a freaking human.i am still angry and trust me.i am not someone you wanna mess with.

if anyone of you out there wanna help this bitch,think again.cause i will break you into half AS WELL.so think again.i dont wanna get my hands dirty.

the only saving grace is me being able to spend time with bray last night at like 3am in the morning to about 8am.

we just sat in bed and ate one tub of ben and jerry's! (boy,i do feel fat now.) and we watched our favourite movie of all time - A WALK TO REMEMBER (((:

this is why i havent lost my mind.my boyfriend is my saving grace.

boy oh boy.have i told you lately that i love you?

enough of my bitching.this stops here.my life resumes.

i really wanna eat chilli crabs now.and duck rice.

despite it all.i still love you,mum.i still love you dad.i still love all of you.we all have our bitchy days.

edited/

i miss my boyfriend,brayden lee jia hao.

i already miss him though i just said goodbye to him.nooooooo!

boyfriend is heading back to uk soon ): SHITXXXXX.

i hope when i leave,no one sends me off.cause for sure,i will cry like a freaking baby.

*WAIL*

cause for you,i will.

2009-06-14T02:37:00.001+08:00

i am heading over to bray's house now.what the freak.its going to be 3am in the morning.and i have church tomorrow.i need to be back by 8am so i will be home before dad wakes up.shitxxx.

boyfriend is so sweet.this was what we were "arguing" about beforehand.

me : i want that shirt in turquoise! no no,actually its not that nice
him : but its a nice colour,its turquoise
me : omg,now you wanna snatch my fav colour?!
him : no no,i am fine with it but its not my fav colour!
me : then tell me,whats your fav colour?
him :(pauses) hmmm,i love you.

awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww ): cupid just shot millions of arrows into my heart (:

i miss my boy so mucho and i just cant resist it anymore.i am heading over right now (: wish me luck (:

sneaking into his room and holding him close (:

its going to be a fantastic sunday,i feel it in my bones.

being a child.i am.

2009-06-13T14:35:00.003+08:00

i want to meet my boyfriend.NOW.

i am being such a spoilt brat,i know but i just do miss you.

mum pissed me off just now.with random,no linking questions.
dad is pissed since morning(its called andropause)
i had training in the morning and now i am heading to another one

seriously,saturday is die for sports day and darn it,i hate it.

love is not lost

2009-06-13T01:40:00.002+08:00

omg.i want those shoes! FREAK.i am dying for those shoes.but let me drop the bomb first.its from a designer label.FAINTS.

i will need to feed on grass and rain-water for the next 894750895079 years of my life to afford those shoes.and also.one more thing,these shoes? are NO longer available.

i am determined to make friends with the designer so he will be nice enough to make a new pair of shoes just for me OR i should just go rob katy perry.perhaps i should just go rob her stylist! darn it.

I WANT THOSE SHOES (I DONT CAREEEEEEE)

i should be sleeping now.i have training tomorrow and ____ is making us play mixed doubles,i think? whatever.i am tired.

(not for you to know.)

LETS JUST FREAK OUT AND SCREAM.

sigh.

i hate staying cause as long as i stay,i can NEVER get out of the *censored*.which is something i really do hate.and i am desperately trying to tear myself away from.there are just too much memories going on.i have left it all behind(perhaps?) but i need a new place to start a new life.

i wonder if this is called running away.if it is,then just take it that i am a coward and i am weak.if it isnt,then take it as i am going far from my comfort zone to take flight and really spread my wings.

i hate leaving.cause there are all my loved ones here.there will be no more clubbings,late night movies,ya kun,steamboat,singing kbox and so much more.ohh darn it.

i am beginning to like my new font.so stylish.shitxxx

i am feeling emotional lately.(its NOT the period,i just had mine)

i need a breather.

god said "i need to stop waiting"
i wonder what does that mean?
my studies?
my bowling?
my own personal relationship issues?
wth is jesus referring to? ohh wells.i ought to know apparently.but i dont know!

i dread training.and i have successfully stopped buying clothes before i turn into a full-blown hoarder.

i am having a bad headache right now.i dont feel like eating anything.my body is dying on me when i am just 19.shitx

i need to start occupying myself espeically since boyfriend is back in town but naturally he has his own friends,gangs and things to settle.i cant be like some freaking baby that clings onto him with bloody fingernails.

boyfriend has just given me a task - finish reading at least one book per week since i borrowed tons of books from SANS BOOKSHOP and i havent read a page.not even flip it.

i still havent finished slumdog millionaire.and i still wanna get the entire harry potter series so i can read them ALL TOGETHER.this is such a freaking bummer.

i am just sitting back,watching how things progress.sometimes i feel i am getting a bit anxious.like how i used to be.so i would need to remind myself when such times happens,that i need to be more conscious of myself.

booooooooooooo.

tulu.

keep moving forward

2009-06-12T14:41:00.002+08:00

honestly,i am scared.i dont know how can someone uproot themselves from a country they have lived in all their life in less than a month?! seriously,that freaks the shitx out of me.i am more than scared.i am bewildered.i look at the things around me and realised,i dont wanna leave here at all.i realised how much i will miss my parents,relatives and friends.i realise how much i will miss the food in singapore.zmg.now i seriously dont wanna leave.

there is a mixture of feelings for this world i call home.so much painful memories but yet there are many more memories that i treasure in my heart.

oh shitxxxx.the idea of moving and packing and all seems so surreal to me.

oh my tian.

anyway.

something is funny.hmmmm.

i know you are not a mistake

2009-06-12T00:15:00.005+08:00

Blair: Look down deep, into the soul I know you have, and tell me if what you feel for me is real, or if it’s just a game. If it’s real, we’ll figure it out, all of us. But if it’s not, then please Chuck, just let me go.
Chuck: It’s just a game, I hate to lose. You’re free to go.
Blair: Thank you.
Serena: Chuck, why did you just do that?
Chuck: Because, I love her. But I can’t make her happy.

after saying this,i have gotten it.

because i love you but i cant make you happy.so its better to set you free isnt it?

fuck.

it hurts.damn,it hurts like hell but whenever i feel like turning back to you,i will remind myself that i can no longer make you happy.

i'm sorry.

baby,dont you break my heart slow

2009-06-11T00:50:00.003+08:00

i love you idiot.

i love you when i am on a detox diet and you tempt me to eat ice-cream

i love you when i am busy and cant meet you but you are always so nice to me by being so understandable

i love you that even when you return to uk,and will be surrounded by hot,beautfiul girls,you will assure me by telling me those silly jokes

i love you cause you know i am high maintenance,and hence started to save money for my future

i love you cause i know i am such a child at times(screaming that i want ear muffles),and you really went to get them for me

i love you despite there are times when i have to re-arrange my schedule for you

i love you not because of who i am when i am with you but rather the person i have become.to be your better girlfriend,to be a better person.

our anniversary is coming.cant wait.

love always triumphs

standing at the door of happiness

2009-06-11T00:31:00.001+08:00

i am dead tired.i am this sleepy pig that slept for 12 hours of sleep.

shitx

tomorrow,i have extra trainings.booooo.

i feel messy now.my heart cant stay right.that sucks

whatever.

i feel tempted but i know i shouldnt do it

fuck it.

jesus,let me leave RIGHT NOW.bloody

i awoke,only to find my lungs empty

2009-06-10T01:38:00.004+08:00

If you ever wanted something badly, let it go.
If it comes back to you, then it's yours forever.
If it doesn't, then it was never yours to begin with.

why does it sound like a crime to have feelings? is it a crime to be sentimental? is it a crime to love someone?

its a crime when you love someone but the person no longer loves you back.

darn it.i really do hate you.

and i wrote your name in the sand

2009-06-09T15:31:00.003+08:00

the weather is such a bitch.man,i am hot to the crap.

training after SO was average.wee wee was cursing like some dog.partially i have to say,i am part of that influence.shitxxxxxx. sean was trying to rev up his ball like for free but failed attempt.my na na was sick and was sent home.seriously,i should start coughing and sneezing to be sent home.darn.

the aftermath of training was even worse.my dad came to pick me up.and darn,the moment i closed the door,my dad started nagging.but surprisingly,i was calm.i didnt feel annoyed.i just sat there,eating my fried rice and REALLY listened to my dad.but i knew,along the way(nearing my house),i started to feel irritated BUT i listened to the essence of the "talk" okay.

my dad wants me to be MORE disciplined.so this is what i plan to do after hearing the essence of my dad's "rap".

1. i will start putting my phone on ringing mode!
2. pick up every calls to my best means.especially my parents' one!
3. text/call my parents if i am going to be home late or whatever(even when i go to the toilet and shit) -joking.
4. i need to be clear about what i want (like no joke)
5. straighten out my thoughts cause right now,i feel like there are so many things running in my mind.its like incessant rattling/nagging in my brain.
6. be more conscious! (eg. stop drinking all the milo packets in the fridge) - BUT MILO IS FREAKING NICE!

this is about it.and this regime starts TODAY.ONS.

up to now,i havent drank a single packet of milo.
when my dad asked me to finish my vcds by 1230am last night,i did it.

-this is a sign of discipline okay.

thinking about it all,its true.its time i learn/start to assure my parents.cause i am already 20.and seriously,if i want to get them off my ars(which i dont think is possible but at least,they will be less slack),its time to show them that i have some control of my life.SOME.and not all.

-to na : i can sense you are nodding your head! hahahahha!

here i am waiting for some results/decisions.and darn,i am nervous.shooot meee in the headdd.

i hope it will be all fine.

I TOTALLY NEED TO GO BUY MY BOWLING JOURNAL LA.
(argh)

i know the pain.
i feel the hurt.
cause i was once in that position like you were/are in now.

i really do hate it.i do.cause my stand is wavering.i have chosen not to hate but as i chose not to hate,i want to go closer but i know i shouldnt be doing that.cause i know i will get hurt.

once bitten,twice shy,they say.

i hate you.i do hate you.you have no idea how much i hate you.but i have chosen not to hate.i have chosen the path of walking away now.i have chosen to turn my head away even when you are about to fall.i have chosen to wipe you and those memories away like how bleach erases stains.

dont cry,be strong
do you know i am trying my hardest
and the hardest part is letting go of the nights that were shared.
its haunting me
walking the places
surrounded by the memories

you look blissful but i dont know if you are just faking it out to the world.its okay,lets just simply forget about it.your happiness no longer concerns me.

do you know what makes me hate you? do you even know?

its not the hurt you have given.its not the tears i have cried for you.its not even the happy times we shared.

its how you can simply easily erase me like i have never existed.

since this is how it is done,dont deny me of the right to do the same.

i would just simply erase you and the memories.just like how you have erased me.

love is temporary madness

2009-06-08T01:43:00.000+08:00

...it erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. and when it subsides, you have to make a decision. you have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. because this is what love is. love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being "in love" which any of us can convince ourselves we are.

love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. you and i have it, we have roots that grow towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossom had fallen from our branches, we found that we were one tree and not two.

i havent blogged for damn long,thanks to Singapore Open.bowling was average but eyecandies oogling was CLASSIC.SERIOUSLY.thank god,bray wasnt there or else he will be so darn jealous! hahahahahaha! now that SO is over,no more PASUT,no more ANNOP,no more SOMJED = BRAYDEN LEE IS HAPPY! ahahahahahha!

i spent my day with gangboy today! ((: loves! boyfriend time is always love! ((: and i played a joke on my mum.i told bray to pick me up from my house,and pretended to be a postman.hahahahahah! and as i was leaving,before i entered the lift,i shouted back to my mum who was holding the door, "HE IS MY BOYFRIEND!"

and bray shouted "HELLO AUNTIE"

hahahahah! i saw the horror on my mum's face.it was classic! (: but oh wells,i was trying to make the introduction between boy and my parents a light-hearted one! hahahahahha! i guess,it just gave my mum this big huge shock.shit.hahaha!

i spent the whole day with my ah boy in his apartment.just me and him in the room,watching hong kong drama serials since i was not feeling well.snuggling rocks! (:

and i passed my flu bug to my boy! hahahahha! OOPS.sorry dear.but i warned you! hahahahaha!

tomorrow is boyfriend time again.before training! yay!

i love boyfriend.

i hate trainings.

this is the contrast.shitx

upon a wishing star

2009-06-06T14:58:00.002+08:00

there is nothing much to say but just this.

i love you mucho.

bahamas,lets build our little home there.
deep sea fishing
suntanning.i will put sunblock on you and you will put sunblock on me (:
sleeping on the dock,enjoying the sky and stars

i love you a little more each day <3

I miss you.note send to heaven.

2009-06-02T11:09:00.003+08:00

i miss my boyfriend.

SO isnt giving me much time to spend with my loveboy and he is going back to uk for his studies like soon soon.perhaps its not THAT soon but still,time is still ticking away for the both of us.

its funny how instead of growing apart,we are drawing each other closer.its amazing.i used to be insecure,i used to be possesive but all this are gradually changing.

he is assuring.i know i can lean on him.
he is always there for me.i know i can go running and knocking on his door,crying like some freaking ugly dog and i dont have to care what he will think.
he is always so supportive.when life is being a bitch,he brings me back to my feet and get me to live.again.cause i have his love.
he is so sweet.just when i feel terrible,he will always find the right words to say and comfort me in the silliest way ever.

i just feel so loved.

i woke up this morning and received a text from him.as usual.but this one was special.really special.i love you boy.

he is my loveboy.he is the one i wanna spend my whole life with.he is my prince penguin.

you and i against the world.

love oh love.

2009-05-31T01:13:00.002+08:00

i am tortured by SO.

cause i am not spending enough time with my boyfriend before he returns for school.again.and boy oh boy,i am frustrated.frustrated at my inability to qualify early so i can spend some precious moments with my ah boy instead of bowling.

because of bowling,i have postponed most of my life plans.some of them are serious,while some of them may seem so inferior but to me,its a hell of an important issue.

perhaps this fall will let me see that bowling is actually keeping me back instead of propelling me forward.its not that i no longer love to bowl,i love to bowl.i love it with all my heart but there comes a time when i have to choose if persisting is the best choice for me.

i am no longer young.i am 19,turning 20.its time to really plan out my life.cause if i dont plan it NOW,i will just be further screwing my life upside down.a mistake i have done many many times but i didnt realise the severity of the issue till now.its time.its time to really sit down and think.

i admit.i always paint the world a bed of roses.i know its tough out there but rather than harping on the cruelty of the world,i chose to shrug off the evil/obstacles of the world and continue thinking its wonderful out there.but life isnt like that isnt it? cause in life,there is hardly any second chance.its now or never.

its time i hammer this thought into my brain.

i havent matured.this is how i feel about myself.perhaps i havent spent enough time reflecting upon MYSELF.

i long to be mature.but i pray and wish and hope for it but it doesnt just come like that.maturity doesnt fall from the sky.maturity comes with time,experience and reflection.

as i fall from grace,failure doesnt sit well with me.perhaps failure will never co-exist with me.cause i am too compeitive.i hate to lose.i totally hate it.but this time.failure has existed with me and i have to say,i allowed failure to happen.cause i wasnt aware of myself enough.and when you are not aware of yourself,you tend to just float through life,without much thought.thats when failure catches you off guard.

its a relief.its a heave of relief.cause i know i am not happy at all.doing what i thought i should do.doing what i thought people wants me to do.thats why i am lost.this isnt a mistake.in fact,i see this as a liberation.

one thing for sure,i am grateful.grateful that my mistake are still in some sense,reversible.i am grateful that my parents pushed me hard when i was young,thats why i can still reverse my mistakes.the damage is done,is done but at the very least,i can minimise the impact to the lowest because i was pushed hard enough then.i am grateful.

i am grateful that i had great teachers/mentors/education system that kept me in line,on my toes such that i can get the grades i have.well,its not that fantastic i have to say.i am not a straight A student but at the very least,i know i have done my best,stretched my potential to the limits and really attain good and decent grades.

i am grateful that through this good and decent grades,it has opened up so many opportunities in my life.whether its in the past or now.i am grateful.

its funny how i look upon those transcripts and be so bewildered that my grades actually surpasses the requirements they are looking for.i am bewildered that when i told them my grades,they told me,dont worry,your grades are more than enough.

i am grateful.

though my grades are not that exceptionally compared to some of my peers(its a rj thing),i am grateful ,truly grateful that i was put on a tight leash then.i always grumbled about how rj always give me tons of homework and really hard examination questions but i have seen for myself,the effects of being pushed to the limits.naturally,then,i didnt realise the aftermath.i only saw the present moment which was full of agony.but as i walked down this path of mine,i am grateful that my mentors and teachers made me grumble.cause if wasnt for their constant pushing,i wouldnt be here at all.

i am grateful.grateful that as my fall begins,there is still some glimpse of hope out there.

somehow its funny how though things are falling apart for me,its actually falling in place.humans perceive it as falling apart cause we think that by having certain things,it defines who we are.so when we lose those things,we fall apart.

i am grateful.grateful that i have such a great network of supportive family and loved ones around me.i am grateful cause without their love,i would have done something silly by now.

i am grateful.grateful for each miracle that appears in my life and every obstacle that stands in my way.cause it all makes me who i am today,and to want to be an even better person in life.

penguin.
thanks for being so patient and tolerant of me
when i am short tempered
when i cant make it for our appointments due to unforeseen circumstances
espeically since you are back for only a few months and time together is rare
thank you for being my ah boy
i am wanting to be a better ah girl
i love you.

i need some hope

2009-05-29T16:26:00.001+08:00

i need some hope.some light.i feel like i am walking in darkness.

i feel lost.and i am desperate to find my way home.

i feel like a changed person.changed into a person i can barely recognise at all.

can you live with less?

2009-05-27T13:16:00.001+08:00

OMG.i lost my freaking ferrari phone.and that WEALLY pisses me off.to the max of the freaking max.seriously.i can slap/strangle/torture the person who took my phone.

slap slap slap.you know how clefairy has this special move? its called double slap.thats right.i will transform into a clefairy IF IF IF i ever know who is the stupid moronic arshole who took my phone.

*DOUBLE SLAP*

ahhhh!

i need a phone NOW.i am being such a brat but i am a brat.just let me be.i need a phone cause my htc diamond battery life is like 85499383 seconds only.what the hell.

phones so pretty.so pretty.i seriously freaking dont know which one to buy now.and i want my phone by THIS WEEK.

damn damn damn.why are phones so expensive? because its essential.darn it.i am going to burn a CANYON in my pocket.zmg.

i will still kill the person who took my phone.

watch it.you better learn to sleep with both eyes open like a goldfish.i am hunting you down.

arshole.

close your eyes. open your heart

2009-05-21T14:18:00.002+08:00

phuture was fun ((: well,the music was great ((: yoohoo! and of course,my company! ((: YUNNIE and VERNIE ((: its like catching up session for all of us ((: so happy ((: and we have decided to open a blogshop to sell our clothes(that we hardly wore) plus manufactured clothes ((: HOW COOL YOZ.

this is the thing with phuture.its so freaking SMALL hence we have to WAIT.which is disgusting.but oh wells,we entertained ourselves through camwhoring.

heart to heart talks.i love them most.espeically with people i love most.this is,love.

she said " i read the note you wrote to him.he sounds like your life"
she said "i love him <3 "

YOOHOO ((:

and i finally know how to use my polariod camera! ((: so fun ((: yoozzz (:

anyway.

meeting bray's mum is always so much fun (: i laughed till my stomach hurts and we tried on TOPSHOP clothes! SHE IS TERRIBLY CUTE(i love your mum,bray).she may be 55 but she is as hip as a 20 year old girl ((: yoo.i cant wait to meet her soon ((: yay! (bray love)

anyway.

phuture was irritating at the same time.cause guys were being jerkasses yesterday.especially this particular idiot.fudge home.

oh and did i mention,i met my tkgs classmate at phuture? a medical student somemore.what the kulu.the world is fudging too small.

megan fox is a transsexual?! but she is so fudging hot.all i can say is,god is freaking fair.

training later will not be holy at all.cause my feet hurts like banana crap from dancing.

now,i officially hate heels.

cause love is all i have for you

2009-05-20T01:03:00.002+08:00

tomorrow is a busy day but i like it <3

meeting bray's mum for lunch ((: YOOHOO ((: i love her cause even though she is a mum,she is actually quite a kid in her heart (:

then its to the clubs with the girls ((: yay! we will camwhore till we literally flat out the camera ((:

i need to charge my camera NOWWWW.and i need to sleep cause i slept damn late last night and woke up freaking early due to my tummyache.

yoohoo!

i am a happy girl <3

i am the luckiest girl on earth.

sick is the new black

2009-05-19T12:09:00.004+08:00

i am having this terrible stomachache today.terrible horrible ferrible.it makes my stomach cramp up and i have gone to the toilet like 90489794759 times just this morning already.damn my stomach.i think i ate something wrong? i think now you can call it food poisoning.zzmg.but what the hell did i ate wrong?! zzzmg.

stomach is wriggling again.NOOO!

screams.

i think i am supposed to go out today to do my banking things cause i am officially broke.zzzmg.life is not kind to me at all.but at the rate of my stomach,it needs to shit every 5 minutes.darn it.this is not good at all.

my stomach hurts like some freaking twisted freak.shitxxxx

OUCH.

zmg.i am seriously dying from shitting too much.what a cute yet horrible way to die.

i am confused now.what the fudge is happening? she said i am dead for life.shitxx. is it THAT bad? no it isnt.well at least,to me i guess? seriously,my stomach hurts too much to think.everything in my body is linked man.zzzmg.

i am just confused.its not like i am not confused before that.now i am MORE confused.zzzz.

whatever.

i cant wait to camwhore with my babes tomorrow! yay! ((:

anyway.

boyfriend,you are the centre of attention for my bffs now.baby kusumi said you look like daniel henney? who is by the way,HOT STUFF.zmg.HAHAHAHAAHAH! now now,ego ego,beware.its bursting!

baby kusumi is so cute! we are planning for a double coupled bombastic honeymoon! ((: yoohoo! sorry to boyfriend and my future "brother" in law! hahahaha! you guys can have fun bonding with each other while we girls shop! yay! we plan on going to maldives first then off to europe ((: yoohoo! ((: (its going to be a 5 digits sum and man,it had better be good)

i am loved.for sure.by angels in my life <3

and vera wang is our gown designer! yay!

SEXCITED baby!

Because I am a fool
The only thing I think about is you
But I know that you are thinking about somebody else
And you probably don’t even know my heart

I probably don’t exist in your daily life
And I’m sure you have no thoughts of me
But for me, I spend my days thinking about you
And my tears still fall

Just looking at your retreating figure
Is happiness to me
Even if you don’t know my feelings
Even if you simply brush me aside

In those days when I desperately want to see you
Those days that are so hard to bear
My mouth wordlessly repeats “I love you”
And all alone I cry for you again
And all alone I’m missing you
Baby I love you
I’m waiting for you

I probably don’t exist in your daily life
And I’m sure you have no memories of me
But for me, I spend my days thinking about you
And create my own memories

For me
Love is a beautiful scar
Even when I see your beautiful smile
I cannot smile with you

In those days when all I think about is you
Those days when my heart is cold and sad
My mouth wordlessly repeats “I want to see you”
And all alone I cry for you again
And all alone I’m missing you
Baby I love you
I’m waiting for you

Bye bye never say good bye
Even though I can never have you
I need you
I can’t say a word, I want you
I plead and again I plead

In those days when I desperately want to see you
Those days that are so hard to bear
My mouth wordlessly repeats “I love you”
And all alone I cry for you again

damn,this is a sad song ):

i want to see you )): imissyouso.cant wait for you to be home.

love you,lee

missing you crazy

2009-05-16T21:21:00.002+08:00

i miss my favourite boy on this mother earth.

screams.

training today was productive.in a way,i guess i can call it mental/emotional torture.there were so many moments where i really wanted to scream "fudge it" and just quit everything all together.hang on there,girl.i have been there before.and i still wonder to myself till this day,what am i still doing in this retarded sport? well,one word,to describe it all,in things i do for no reason.LOVE.

my internet connection hasnt been my best friend lately.stupid.i may just strangle it alive.thank you.

now i am puzzled.zzzzmgggg.

WEDNESDAY CLUBBING WITH THE GIRLS! yoohoo! ((: HAPPY ((: this time,i am so going.even if i am dead,i will crawl there.

*and keep your hands to yourselves,boys.before you lose your jewels*

and i am happy to know my girls are so happy.((: damn,damn,damn,i am happy! whoots! ((:

and i cut my hair.zzzzzz.dont ask how it looks.DONT EVER TRY.

i miss my boy.((: love you so.

when images become inadequate,i shall be content with silence.

2009-05-14T22:37:00.002+08:00

i am tired.seriously.cross my tiny heart.

i am waiting to skype my boy.i wonder why he is so secretive.zmg.

this is such a horrible blogpost.

i wanna go clubbing.next wednesday is set! YOOHOO! tomorrow,i dont know yet.i have to see my mental state,people.

i am not ready for singapore open.steady.

i am tired.my back hurts.and someone/people is getting on my nerves.and its wearing thin.

fudge off.

boy,i love you so

2009-05-12T09:34:00.004+08:00

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY BAMBISSSSS <3

this post was meant for yesterday but i was skyping with my baby all night yesterday so i had no time at all (:

i am blessed.blessed to have such a boy in my life.a boy who tolerates my hot tempered-ness,my not so innocent past,my childish behaviour,my pouting fits and yes sometimes my immature retardness.for all of my weaknesses,he has said these are qualities that made me who i am.for all of my strengths,he has said these are the qualities that will made me an even better person.

now would you please tell me where else can i find such an amazing boy on earth ever? i am blessed.grateful.contented.elated.

we are both taking each day at a time.each moment at a time though we spend most of our time apart due to our studies.but he is coming home soon!!! ((: and that is something i am looking forward to ((: i loveee that ((:

iheartsyou

our soul connecting talk last night has brought us so much closer.it has made us tear.it has made us open our hearts again.though it was an emotional high,it brought our relationship to another level ((:

i heartsyou.4ever.

to fall and breathe again

2009-05-09T02:15:00.003+08:00

i need to start freaking exercising.damn it.swimming will be great.WAKEBOARDING will be awesome (: i found a partner to wakeboard! ka ka is my dare devil partner! she is damn ons for anything (: i should go hunting for a nice decent place for us to wakeboard (: YOOHOO (:

i am tired despite not doing much today.it must be my body.sucks.

weekends seems the same to me.the same routine all the time.which i am used to.

everyday,i seem to have new parcels coming to my house.which means new clothes which is SOO not good.zmg.my house is overflooded with clothes.shitxzzz.

you are STILL being an idiot.i wonder when will you ever learn.gosh.stupidity.stupidity.stupidity.seriously.there is a hole right there in front of you and you want to fall into it.dont you think just because you are something/someone now,means anything.it means nothing cause from hero to zero is in a blink of an eye.

i love the night.cause its the time i meet my fav boy on the planet <3

i am off to sleep.night night.

this is a horrible post.zmg

i'm getting tired of headaches and feeling sick

2009-05-06T16:19:00.002+08:00

my poor/blackie laptop has been sent for repairs and i just got it back.i am re-installing all my microsoft applications now.this is like the 3rd or 4th time already.this laptop should stop crashing before i crash it myself,WITH MY OWN BARE HANDS.

my back is bothering me terribly.honestly.so much pain.

i need to EAT MORE.fine,and exercise more too.what the dock.

I WANNA WAKEBOARD! )): i havent wakeboarded for 9085694859878979 years.and i am dying for some TAN.damn it

i have officically stopped shopping.i think? HAHAHAHAHA!

oh yes,you are being an idiot.go away.thanks

i need to find my stupid adobe cd-rom now.NOW! ah!

i am NOT looking forward to training at all.not with my backpains.

it's a beautiful day, don't let it get away

2009-05-04T00:58:00.002+08:00

its been days since i have blogged.

its been a busy week.exams after exams havent been much fun.training after training isnt fun either but i survived which is good after all.

thanks god.

there isnt much to say.the usual thing.i am going to study duh.tuesday is my last paper.statistics.shitx. last minute revision doesnt help.that theory should sink in long time ago.since the time i started primary one.yes indeed but apparently it hasnt.

shopping is still on my idiotic retarded mind.stupid shitz.i need to stop before i become a full hoarder.shitz.

and my stomach hurts like crap now.idiot.

its sister's birthday TODAY!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY BABY SISTER!! ((: i hope she loves the present ((: 16 years old.it feels like yesterday when i was 16.boohoo

iloveyoubf <3

sitting - waiting - wishing

2009-04-28T11:27:00.002+08:00

i woke up at 9 plus in the morning and thinking that i had such a great sleep,i could study,i was proved wrong,deadly wrong.i am on my laptop right now from morning.ohhh shitzzzz.oh wells,i cant say i havent done anything right.i filed my notes and know where my notes are.WHOOTS.trust me,when you are me,you need to know where your notes are,or else you will be screwed for life.ohhh my.

anyway,i am HAPPY (: cause i finally decided what i want to get for my sister (: WHOOTS (: and i plan to pay it full which i havent told my mum of course.jang.she will wonder why is my oldest daughter so nice now? gosh.gee.but i dont think the shipment can come in time so how?! i am worried! shitzzzz

this is what i am planning.just celebrate my sister's birthday first then when the thing comes,then we tell her thats her real b-day present (:

sister loves.how wonderful (:

well,i can kidnap robert pattierson for her if i want to,for her birthday but i decided for the best of mankind,i shouldnt do that.HAHAHAHAHHAHHAA! thinking about this,i just got an idea (: HAHAHAHAHAH! i know,i am always up to no good la.thanks (:

WHOOTS (; SO HAPPYYYYY (; happy to the bombbbbb (: study study study (:

so damn tired.i have been blessed with 2 nights of good sleep though.i shouldnt take that for granted.thank you god.yoohoo!

and of course,thank you to my BOYYYYFRIENDDDD (: love ya mucho <3

some love and affection please?

2009-04-27T23:05:00.002+08:00

muscles aches are still troubling me terribly to the horrible max.and its so terrible for someone like me to tolerate it now considering my age.yes,at my age,its terrible cause it hurts so bad.my shoulders are stiff,so are my hamstrings,and my butt.zmg.

especially my hamstrings and butt.they are ultimately stretched to the maximum of the maximum.its like toned to the extra maximum.zmg.even though i do want toned body,but honestly,zmg.my body is literally falling apart.

exam paper number 2 down.and 3 more papers to go.oh gosh,i wish i had more time to breathe.my papers are all so closely linked together.no time to breathe at all.its like i am rushing to go to heaven.and instead of studying,my siblings are hooked on facebook quizzes.ohh shitxxxzzz.

i should attempt some studying before i sleep and while skyping my fav boy (: i miss him dearly ):

off for some studying.and perhaps some updates too.hmmm.

i hope you are doing fine.

haunted by the memory of a lost paradise

2009-04-26T13:13:00.002+08:00

muscles aches are the last thing on earth,i should be experiencing now cause it really aches the crap out of me.i woke up today so damn sore.sore from my shoulders all the way to my freaking ass.on the brighter side,i am going to have toned butt and shoulders but on the other side,i am damn sore all over and it doesnt make me any happier than how happy i am now.

i have a paper tomorrow and that doesnt sit well with my brain or me.

i am very sure my menstrual cycle is on its way thats why i am feeling so cranky.steady.i am so sorry to those people around me,having to bear with my mood swings but its those ovaries that are up to no good but oh wells,its a good thing right? (:

so damn tired.may god bless me with a good night sleep today.oh god,i need good sleep so badly.awwwwwwwwwwww ):

every single part of my body is cracking.this is super cool.hahahaha!

and i realised that i can just hang my headphones on my neck and listen to music before i sleep without having to put the headphones to my ear.how cool is that? now,i wouldnt end up with squashed up ears (:

i miss my boy.so much.

back to the light

2009-04-25T21:04:00.002+08:00

i should attempt to sleep after a really tiring day today ):

exams in the morning after a never sleeping night.again.which is very pissing.

then training in the afternoon which tortured my thumb.

and i am tired to the bones and my muscles are screaming to massive soreness.

like literally screaming for some massive attention from me.which means one thing,they are highly tortured by me.which is not welcome at my age.how sad.

okay,stop this babbling and go sleep.

xoxo.to you,my favourite boy of all time.

inferno

2009-04-24T16:29:00.004+08:00

FUDGING MOTHER FATHER PISSED OFF RIGHT NOW.

thanks to my brother who disturbed my maid who was on the phone.who then pmsed.chicken ribeye.

PISSED OFF.WISS OFF,PEOPLE

my mood is not holy right this moment

gnn.

and my mum asked me a stupid question.on a normal day,it wouldnt be stupid.but today,it is a stupid one cause the phone kept ringing and i was trying to study and no one wants to pick that bloody hell of a damn phone up.

i swear if a phone rings again right now,the person on the other end is just going to get a SLAM down.

gnn.

i am trying to study here.at home.but apparently,there is NO peace.when you have a pmsing maid and a brother and a phone that rings non stop.

bloody hole

and the phone just fudging rang.GNN.someone is trying to freaking piss me off.and that mother asshole.my brother told the person my maid was bathing and the person doesnt fudging believe.WTH.and that set me off.i STORMED out,grabbed the damn phone and said,who is this? my maid is bathing.

then the mother duck put down the phone.gnn.that duck is on my hitlist now.tmd.

when your nights get colder

2009-04-24T15:22:00.002+08:00

i had a GOOD sleep.again.i think its the caffeine ): so i shouldnt drink caffeine anymore.gnn.

study study study.i am going to die.

shit.

and memories.so much loves and yet at the same time,so much hatred.

but i have said my goodbyes.though i have turned back a few times,this time i know i am never turning back.

i am moving ahead.smiling on.and i am smiling,brighter than before.

i hearts my penguin
last night can never be the same if wasnt for you
i hearts hearts hearts you

i cant sleep with your soul calling

2009-04-23T11:31:00.002+08:00

after a night of good,perfect,awesome,fata-bulous sleep,i was given a sleepless night.FMG.

i just tossed and turned in bed like some fudging dead fish.it felt so damn weird.in the darkest of darkest night,there was only me awake.it was silent all over.i slept on my back,with my ipod plugged in my ears,hoping that music will soothe me to sleep but to no avail.fmg.

so i was just awake the ENTIRE night.my eyes were close but my brain was working.fmg.which means i havent slept a wink till NOW.and later,i have training.i am going to confirm dying.pray for me.

i think its my back thats giving me the problem.argh.damn you back.damn you.you know how important my sleep is to me.you ass.

another interesting thought.why do people assume that i am stupid? just because i look stupid? i mean seriously.no no,seriously seriously.no no,seriously.do you really think i am stupid? if you think that way,its time to change that mindset yoz.cause in no way,am i stupid.so get a hold on yourself right now and shake yourself up.before i do it MYSELF.which i dont really want to.cause i dont wanna dirty my hands

its great,looking things at the hindsight and its funny how people react.its really so damn hilarious.zmg.you have no idea what i am talking about but its just awfully hilarious.zmg.but i cross my heart.its not that hilarious after all.its just hilarious? zmg.

i am dead.i need to sleep.i should sleep.my brain needs to shut off NOWWWWW.zmgg.

i really cross my heart.its DAMN hilarious.zmg.

and you wanna talk about stupidity with me? you must be freaking joking me.the scenerio just keeps re-winding in my mind and i cant stop laughing.shitzzzz.

I NEED TO SLEEP.FMG.

i should attempt that now.and lunch/breakfast was yummy! (:

i miss you,bray ): muchooooo ): drowning in chemistry and lack of sleepzzzz. ):

loves

i may love you, but i'm definitely not in love with you

2009-04-21T15:19:00.003+08:00

i turn the switch of your love off
click...
and i don't love you anymore

i turn the switch of life on
click...
and without you i'm not dying anymore

i’m finally over you.
at last i can see life has been patiently waiting for me.

watching you walk out of my life does not make me bitter or cynical about love. but rather it makes me realize that if i wanted so much to be with the wrong person, how beautiful it will be when the right one comes along.

will i pick you up again? i have no idea myself.cause i took a long long long time before i could even had the courage to pick myself up.even if i see you fallen and scarred,i dont know if i would walk to you and offer my hand.or i would just simply walk past you - like a complete stranger.

i took a long time to get up on my two feet.and you dont know that.cause you are not me.perhaps you have been broken,shattered and numb before,no i take that back.you were/are broken,shattered and numb but you dont understand what it feels to be me.to fall into that deep pit and when you just heartlessly left,i was left sitting there,screaming and shouting for help.i was just hoping that someone would come help me out of the darkness that was engulfing me.

this sort of zombie-ifed life-i have lived it for almost half a year.i numbed the pain through alcohol and socialising.i was just there physically but i knew emotionally,i was empty.i felt nothing.

so no,you dont come whizzing into my life like you so damn feel like it.and no,i wouldnt just let you whiz into my life.AGAIN.over my dead body.you can whiz into my life when i am officially in my grave.and no,you are not even invited to my funeral.

so do whatever you wanna do.do whatever you deem fit.

you are welcome.

miss me don't dismiss me

2009-04-21T08:09:00.002+08:00

i hate you

period

thanks for the care and concern

and you

liar liar,pants on fire.

its on fire now.go save it.

i am retarded but i am not stupid.s-t-u-p-i-d

i still know how to spell it.

"we were all in love and we all got hurt.."

2009-04-20T00:50:00.002+08:00

its been a while since i have blogged her havent i? zoo pictures havent been uploaded on facebook yet.one word = laziness okay.

i am tired.though i have slept in the afternoon.boo.tire.and exams are like in 5 days time and i am still on holiday mood.steady.what the crap am i thinking?! no idea.its empty itself.boo

i will study.promise.use like 90485408790709% of my energy to study for the next few days.omg

some bloody f re on my ass and i am getting tired with them on my ass.they get me tired.you know.hate them.i will deal with them tomorrow and thats it.thats it.that will be it.

its not i am trying to say anything but i suppose you should bring down that "air" around you when we are talking,shall we? dont make me feel as though i am talking to someone of someone of higher status when in fact we are all pure humans.thank you so much.

so tired.tomorrow is the d day

awesome.i love those big days

and i want to sleep (:

whee! (:
good night to my pengpeng <3

if you don't know me by now. you will never never never know me.

2009-04-17T11:33:00.004+08:00

this post will be short cause i am aching all over.

FMG.

my neck hurts.my left shoulder hurts.fmg.

my sleep yesterday was TERRIBLE.one word,terrible.FMG.

aching all over.i need a massage.zmg zmg zmg.i have plastered this thing at my shoulder but it doesnt seem to be working or perhaps its not supposed to work so fast but it really aches.FMG.KGB.

BOO.

and i have been shopping all morning.FMG.jeans,shoes,tops,skirts,you name it,i saw it,i am tempted to buy it but of course,i am not that impulsive.YET.zmg.i am coming home LATER to check them out.I AM SO DEAD.

someone,please pray that the bank freezes my bank account.zmg

aches and shopping addiction.TERRIBLE.

on a lighter note,ZOOOOOOOOO (;

EGGCITED! will take lots of pictures today (: EGGCITED EGGCITED.i sound like i never been to the zoo before ogay.but i have been to the zoo before.of course.zmg.but it just feels different

EGGCITED.in other words,ZOOCITED (:

get lost now.dont pwiss me off.not when i am this annoyed.

i am annoyed.if you cant really tell.

some people are just plain slow.

i wonder why my house is full of dirt.my feet is all dirty.yucks.disgusting

i cant wait for boyfriend to be back.i miss his hugs.his hugs,always ensures me that nothing can bring me down.always make me feel so so safe.

i am married to my best best friend and i am happy with that fact.seriously contented and blessed.cause not everyone get to do that.

if i can,i would rotate my back 360 degrees right now.aching like crap

i should shower soon for zoo (: so zoo-cited (: and shopping online is such an ass.fmg.

one can pay back the loan of gold, but one dies forever in debt to those who are kind.

2009-04-16T07:42:00.003+08:00

its so okay that life hasnt been going my way lately.its so okay.cause i know there is more to life out there.

its okay that i am not studying and exams are only 9 days away

its okay that that bloody fuckers are not appreciating my effort and are just throwing my effort one side.

its just so bloody okay.

its just so okay.cause i know all along that life can never go your way.all you can do is to suck it in and wait for the pain to subside.to just take it all in and let it all heal inside you.i know.cause this is how i am going to deal with it.i know.

it got to me once.and i am not going to let it get to me the second time twice.no way.there is no way i am letting it get to me twice.no way.cause i know i am stronger.tougher than this.cause i know at every obstacle,there is something to learn.no matter how hard it may be,i am going to hold on and stay firm.nothing will stand in my way.not even my strongest enemies.perhaps i havent been setting aside time for myself to get things together for myself.its time.

you.i dont know about you.its that complicated.it hasnt settled.i know it hasnt settled.that deep seeded discord will perhaps never heal.perhaps it will never heal cause that hurt,for as long as i live,i will forever remember it.how can i forget? how do you expect me to forget? how can you expect me to forget such wrenching pain? can you do it? dont tell me you can do it? cause on the surface you may be able to do it,but in your heart,ask yourself this,honestly,can you?

and how much have we sacrificed for such a thing just to prove ourselves wrong? i wonder to myself at times if it was all worth it. the memories.worth it.the sadness,worth it.the hurt,worth it.the pain,worth it.despite it all,its all worth it.its all worth it.at least we all got to love once.we all got to love that someone so deeply that we now know how it felt to love someone so bad that every breath we take,can be so easy but yet so heart-burdening.

it hurts.it still hurts.to know someone you once loved,love someone else.to see someone you loved,love someone else.but what more can you do? what more can you do? all you can do is to pray that that person is happier isnt it? at the very least i know,i am very happy now,happy knowing that the person i am with is someone who truly loves me and is not someone who i am holding on with bloody fingernails.i once thought i can never find that kind of happiness anymore but i found it again.but this kind of happiness is different from what you and i had.this kind of happiness belongs to me and him.and its special to just us both and its irreplacable.

are you happy out there? please be happy.please do be happy.cause your happiness do still matters for me no matter what happens.no matter what happens,your happiness still matters.cause you will always matter in my heart.

throw me a lifeline

2009-04-15T08:59:00.002+08:00

i am receiving BOMBS early in the fudging morning.see,the world is trying to get to me when i am trying to stay afloat.you know what? BRING IT ONNNN.BRING IT ON.

cause you are NOT getting to me,you fudging a hole booboo.

i think its the bombs that gets me all grumpy all early in the morning but seriously,if you know what is the bomb i received today and the amount of deadlines i have to meet,you will understand but you dont understand cause you are NOT me so its okay.you dont have to understand or whatsoever.just let me understand it and get out of my way when i say so.just dont get in my freaking way when i need to be bull-dozing over everything cause then i will weally be fudging pissed.thank you for your cooperation.

now i understand why i am poor at the end of the month.cause i have set up a savings account and i THOUGHT it has closed down cause i was poor THEN.but apparently,i am NOT poor now so they are sucking me DRY and HIGH.wonderful.no wonder i was wondering why my bank account is dwindling.i thought my bank account have a hole or something.gnn.a mystery is solved but still,i am fudging poor.that fact is still the same.i am just SLIGHTLY richer.wtfeax.

whatever.i cant be fudging bothered with you.you are just trying to play mind games with me but please,i am smarter than a 5th grader though i am kinda retarded.dont ever challenge my intelluctual knowledge.anyone can challenge it.just not you.just not you.i cant tolerate that.not from you and i totally dont deserve it.get a grip on yourself and your head,if you even have one.

stop playing mind games.cause its a game you cant afford to play,my dear.not especially when you are trying to pit yourself against ME.

strangle you alive,is what i wanna do now.but i shouldnt do that cause jesus is gracious and i am in the image of him and NOT the otherwise.amen

i should be studying.i should be studying.i should be studying.mother shit.when will that sutra ever get ingrained in my stupid brain?!

and i am starving and thirsty.shitz.

i should be freaking out now.yes i am freaking out.thanks.

zooooooooooooooooooooooo on FRIED-DAYYYYYYYYYYY (: SEX-CITED! (:

oh someone,throw me a lifeline now.or give me a hotline to dial when you are in hot deep shit of not studying cause i need one to dial right now.

"hello,i am not studying.need some help here?"

"*(&*&%^$%$#$@%$UY&(**(^&%&^.YOU SHOULD BE FUDGING STUDYING"

"got it"

i wish it was as simple as abc.

tuesday's song- queen of my heart

2009-04-15T02:09:00.002+08:00

i am half dead now,wrong going to die soon so this will be such a terrible blog post.short and sweet.

today after school,i went on a berserk shopping spree.like literally berserk.but the thing is this,i managed to buy pretty things for me AND my sister (: now thats better but watching my bank account dwindle to such a pathetic state,its not fun at all.and worse,watching the parcels coming in,is even worse.cause my parents will know i bought clothes *GASPS* oh shit but seriously,clothes are loves.so are books.but now shoes are BIGGER loves.oh shit.and bags too.

SHIT SHIT SHIT.

if you have seeen the way i spent money today,you would scream,shout and shoot me to ground immediately.FMG.FMG.FMG.WTFEAXWTFEAX.

but today was not too bad of a trip.i went out and actually researched researched.and to my surprise,its NOT cheap at all you know.as in you totally have to feed off grass and water for about 7 months if you reallly do it.you guys will understand what i mean soon. it all came about when you have small fingers.zmg.sorry! ):

and i just liased with other online shoppers.i have like 5 outstanding orders.gnn.by the time i pay,i am ONE FUDGING POOR 3RD word country child.and one of my orders was about 400 over singapore dollars from asos.wtfeax.i better go double triple check if i want so many shits cause i am very sure i cant wear so many shits.wtfeax.

okay okay,really really need to settle my clothing things before i become a hoarder for real.

shit.

i'm gone away to the fairy people

2009-04-14T00:29:00.005+08:00

people need to know when to stop annoying me and when to annoy me cause honestly,i am ANNOYED and i am fudging unhappy about it okgay.FUDGE OFF.

first person that gets on my nerves.YOU.

i cant believe i am doing this.i just cant believe it

and i wouldnt allow myself to(according to my previous entry) i need to be a utter plain fool to fall for the same trick.again.utter stupid fool and though i am stupid but i am not that stupid.SHAME ON YOU.just shame shame shame on you.

second person.YOU

zmg.come on.be at least a human.suck it up.i should seriously stop this cause i dont know if i am harming you or helping you.seriously

third person.YOU

GET LOST.right away.you are getting on my very thin thin nerves.i cant be bothered with you right now,in case you havent really noticed.isnt your brain processing my tone and all? apparently not.thats why i am annoyed at you.

fudge off.annoyance is easy for me this whole week cause i am swamped with things and exams are coming.just fudge off and dont dont dont dont please dont annoy me or you will seriously get shot by your royal highness here.

i am going to listen to some soothing music now for my soul.and i better wtfeaxing wake up tomorrow.gnn.i have statistics presentation tomorrow and i cant be late.gnn.

i need to lock up facebook.and i need to shop.desperately.

fudge bankruptcy.i dont care if my account has a zero balance tomorrow.i will shop till i wtfeaxing drop.

EXAMS IN 11 DAYS TIME.not good.

i feel that you are stupid.you know why? cause i am doing exactly what you wish and you are not doing your part.how stupid.

ANNOYANCE JUST WISSES ME OFF.

the boy from Ipanema

2009-04-13T07:58:00.005+08:00

this is another unearthly hour to blog but of course,what else am i doing.blogging of course.what the fudge.

anyway,yesterday was greats (: my penguin FINALLY got facebook and i helped him with it cause he is a technology technology retarded retarded penguin lamb love *grins* he didnt know how to upload pictures?!?! FMGEXAD.sorry ogay baby but seriously,you are from which era again?!?! *widens eyes*

but but but its okayyy.you are on track now since you have navigated yourself well around facebook right? though i highly DOUBT you will use it often.geeee.CAUSE ONLY I USE IT OFTEN SINCE I DONT STUDY. - thats a subjective statement,you ass.

aiden is adorable please! WAWAHAHAHA! so sad that he is taken! ): GEEE.and me me love your sunglasses *eyes pop*

and despite all the fun we had on EACH OTHER'S facebook,and he he he asking who are all the people on my facebook,WE HAVE ALL DECIDED TO CHANGE OUR PASSWORD TO FACEBOOK. (((: i know its such a surprise but it is crucial if we want to have our own space and privacy.and we agreed upon it together.there are some things that though we know,we know we will have to "forget" but at least,we know one thing for sure,we have been honest.thats important for us.honesty.

NA! now do you know why he sounds like me? *grins* cause that ARSE has been on MY facebook! SORRYYYYYY for not telling you earlier and then having you confused! )):

ogay,my back hurts like mad.back to serious things.i have a lot of things on my mind this whole week

1.chemistry test
2.stats test
3.stats tutorial powerpoint
4.ahem ahem org
5.ZOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO -highlight of the week ogay!

there are so many fudging things to do la.gnn.fmg.wtfeax.

people better dont piss me off this WHOLE week.and i dont think i can skype PENGUIN every night.cause both of us having exams and we know our limits.EXAMS SUCKS TO THE CORE NOW.go die.

fudge it

i cant believe it.i just cant believe it.

i never have a habit of sticking to what i say,but its never too late to change isnt it? so explain to me how do things actually works for you? what am i to you? a back-up plan? a stand-up? what? please do enlighten me cause i am honestly clueless. i swore to myself that i will NEVER be anyone's doormat anymore.not to you.not to you.and definitely not to you.again.once is a fool,twice,SHAME ON ME.

and no,you cant do anything about it.cause there were many times when i wanted to hit the button called "rewind" but there is just no way isnt there? i just had to move on with life.with that pain.that heart-stabbing pain.that pain that stung my lungs with every breath i took. now all you can do is,feel that pain cause it is real and just wait it out to subside.there is nothing you can do to make it any better.you cant numb yourself by taking drugs/drink your heart out/having flings or not even having accomplishments in your life cause pain DONT just go away like that.pain goes away when you treat the root of the problem.and its so evident,so clear that you havent touched that root of the problem.

its okay,its okay,i know its not your fault.but i dont know how to help either cause i am in no position to help.all i can do,is look on and say a little prayer for you before i sleep at night.

i will always be your guardian angel - i am keeping to that promise

and its confusing for me.you have to know this.you have to.you do.cause you are making me spin me in endless circles.especially after last night.i dont know where you stand in this particular situation now.i thought,i thought,i thought its the OTHER way cause you are you,the typical you but apparently you are NOT the typical kind of you.fmg.and the way you reacted.it scares me to the hell.cause its the vibes in the reaction that sends chills down my spines.i am afraid.cause i know something is brewing.and my 6th sense is fudging accurate.

i may be like one lost lost sheep but i know something.you are afraid.perhaps cause of what happened before or perhaps you are just generally afraid? cause of what you once told me before and its weally that disturbing thats why its ingrained in my brain.fmg.i am confused and my brain hurts la.wtfeax.

on a lighter note,there are lots of things i wanna buyyyyyy.shitz.die.gnn.wtfeax.so fudging brokei still wanna buy things.i weally need to rob banks please.this is such a great idea.not to mention,highly retarded and suicidal as well.

chicken ribeye.tomorrow.i will go to town to get my things after school since i have school in the morning.ONE.O-N-E lesson,people.i feel retarded.then perhaps go to ahem ahem orga to take my shirts(not too sure yet,i may not even exist in their eyes which i am sure i dont exist at all) then go SHOPPING with a sugar daddy i am going to find on any random street.WTEADY.and thats when its 11 days to exams.yes,shopping will save me from failing exams.YOOHOO.

SUICIDAL.SUICIDAL.SUICIDAL.

you know what? i should just go be a freaking zookeeper la.but at the rate everything is going,i cant even be a toilet cleaner.wtfeax.zookeeper my ass.no,you know what? i am going to change my job to TAI TAI.

boyfrienddddddd,be rich like BRAD PITTTT plezzzzz! <3

i found a cute word just now.

"where linda has her infectious charm,polly only has her empty pulchritude"

this is a deep word people.ABSORB IT.i am teaching a new word here yo.i feel accomplished for the day.fmg.

i am"a body of work thats not just a body" - this is fudging DEEEEEEP.

i know.i am amazed at my english too.what happened in jc?! general paper was like a mess of hell and i felt like a moron. i was sleeping then.FMG.

i seriously have a aching back.i will pay anyone 5 bucks to crack my back for me.please? *smiles with pupppyyy eyes*

lab sessions is stupid and i am going for one later.which means i am more retarded.awesome.then i need to email ahem ahem org.then do the stats powerpoint tutorial.fmg.so many things to do.gnn.chicken ribeye steak.tired man.i wanna go home and sleep.or do notes.gnn.

noooo,you know what i should be doing?

FINDING NICE SONGS TO LISTEN.

yes,thats the way,baby.

kiss me thru the phone,see you when i get homeeeeeeee.(ohhhh shitzzzzzzzz)

ogay,change of plans.

what i SHOULD WEALLY be doing?

getting pregnant and taking care of 498590953485094894385 kids.go marry that idea now.

you are on my drug speed dial

2009-04-13T00:24:00.004+08:00

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY PENGUINSSSSS <3

though you and me are apart,but we still managed to give each other our surprises ((: thanks a lot,my lamb love didnt expect you to ask your best friend to come all the way down just to pass the present to me and honestly,i LUBBB the present ((: hope you like yours too ((:

i need to go sleep already ): daddy will complain but you know i miss you right? i will blog in the morning (:

sigh,so many things to think about. ): but i know you will help me out thats why you are the best to me.loves loves.

someone please remind me to study and email important people cause i always leave my brain at home.THANKS.

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY PEN PEN GUIN GUIN! <3

a pleasure that lingers

2009-04-12T02:24:00.005+08:00

i have been so incredibly tired though i slept tons.it must be the medication i am taking thats why.

my penguin thinks i look hagged.whoa thanks ah.say this of your gf.you look like a monkey anyway.WAHWAHWHA! and this afternoon,i felt like shit,for no reason and for me,bf came online to skype and talked to me for a while to cheer up my day ((: and we webcamed and camwhored and facebooked(: SO MUCH FUN and LAUGHTER laaaaaaaaaa (:

this is what he does to me.make me giggle like some silly child and then say i am so silly.geeee.but thats what i love about him.hearts hearts hearts

13 days to exams and tomorrow is hardcore studying so i better charging my stupid laptop.gnn,

and i should stop going to facebook la.gnn.and blogspot.and blogshops.gnn.

ahhhhhhhhhhh.

okay back to RETARDED TOPICS,since bf and i are free-er to talk about things,we have decided to talk about 2 main things.and honestly we decided to just heck it la.just ignore it.for buneh,what the woook.as for the other wrong signal man,tell the person to go away la.he cannot say that attached is on the forehead is it? zmg.sometimes,some games can play la but some games my boy,you cant afford to play at all yo

you are another issue okay.why the hell.out of my house la.zmg

there are so many things i wanna get in my life
1.washed out jeans
2.that ring from marina square
3.that selffridge blue top for my sister
4.sunglasses for myself and sister

oh yes,practically broke,need to rob bank,best.

i am honestly dying from a lack of sleep.i need to get off the computer then perhaps start finding clothes and blog decently tomorrow.settled.even bf supports me (:

i love you so,

love you boyfriend.

untie these knots and set me free

2009-04-10T00:31:00.002+08:00

its pretty late already and i really should be sleeping cause my eyes are screaming to close.he has the exact same feeling seeing me over skype.he said i looked so hagged.fmg.i know but i just wanna spent more time with you before i sleep.just a bit bit more time (:

here i am,on facebook,while he sits in front of the computer studying.so cute.love his studying look.so manly so adoring.just sit and love at him.we can just spend time on skype doing our own things and just look at what each other are doing.what are indeed an odd ball couple <3>

fudge notes and quizzes right now cause i just wanna spend time really talking about something decent.

naturally as my protective angel,he protested against it.and i totally understand why.i can see the pain and hurt in his eyes when he explained it all out to me.i felt so hurt and stupid that i even brought up such a matter up to him when there are so much more important things to do and decide in his life.

"because its you,nothing else comes first.we have been through the storms and peace in life.i have seen you been treated by the worst person on earth and the best person on earth.though i couldnt do a thing then due to my position in your heart,now i can make a difference and i will make that difference.of course,we have our good and bad times,i have my moody,crappy and bad tempered days but i am learning and with you around to make me smile,nothing bad can go even worse.i have always wanted to find my soulmate in life.someone who will know me inside out,love me for who i am even when i am not at my best,and when i least fit into the so called social circle.i found you years ago,only discovered it 8 months ago that you are the one for me.you are my best drug ever."

this is how bf does to me to make me cry in the middle of my thinking process.he says the sweetest things even though he is studying anatomy ogay,people.love is in his blood yo.seriously,this makes me wanna cry.gosh.

tomorrow is good friday which means there is church then its off with yx and au to study.you better study i tell you,angelina jolie.or else you will die a horrible death.and weekends are booked with my dearest na for studying AGAIN.see,she is my monk who will chant the studying santra to me 24 hours a day to me one.no worries.

i am sleepyyyyy.yawns.and bf is totally telling me to go sleep at the state i am in now.zombie state.knn.oh wells,yes yes baby's words are the decree.

on the other hand,i dont know what happened in between but its so damn shocking.all the twists and turns.its like a drama serial i tell you.if we ever produce it,it will be such a big fat blockbluster.GNN.whaever la,i am still thinking and pondering about it.its like the last issue on my mind right now cause its classified under the RETARDED section.

away from the focal point please.you.you.you.so typical you.you are still so typical which means only one change.you havent changed.ogay,if you insist,you can continue be that insane moronic hateful b****. seriously,you need to read some books to open your soul.its freaking mother polluted.

away away away from another focal point.you.what can i rant about you? you are love.but isnt love a bit too late now? the signals you send are misleading for a lady like her.a lady like her should not be lead on.so what kind of game are you trying to play? for some games,my dear boy,you cant afford to pay.

a lot of funny things happened today! only those i texted knows (: secret ogay! (:

i have a headache just thinking of this shit issues.thanks a lot.i knew such popoo nrvrt bring good news.gdm

the countdown starts.i am just watching,my dear boys and girls
the show has just started.

don't be a slave and behave the way they do

2009-04-08T23:43:00.006+08:00

i should be sleeping now cause according to my cranky dad,i have a curfew which is 11pm which is such a bullshit to me please.11pm/? you have got to be mother joking ass kidding the crap out of me.like i said,its called andropause.and i realised my letter d isnt reacting very well to me.that sucks.gnn.and i forgot to print my economics tutorial.and i forgot my library books was due last monday which means i have to pay fines.and i have to study for FREAKING stats test which is tomorrow.which i havent studied for.and lab session is tomorrow

tomorrow is such a hollow day for me.say no further.and bf is here,watching me on skype,typing this while i rant to him as he studies and he rants about his professors.seriously schools just sucks.kgb.i am SO not looking forward to waking up tomorrow.i am just going to hug my spiritual liberation book tight to my chest and hope for the freaking best.amen.

i havent had time for my journal and some inner damn peace yo.i need some inner peace yo.can someone please give me some time for peace,creating some inner space and less time on doing stupid notes? tmd.

when i start scolding unglam words,you know i am being pissed off okay.bf knows it too and he keeps looking up at me from skype with that look.

I AM GOING TO STUDY TOMORROW.IF I DONT,I AM NOT CALLED ANGELINE JOLIE.SET.

and talking about personal things,gosh such things can come at the worst of the shit times.this is the worst times.i hate myself being this way.for being so soft hearted but you know you will get hurt eventually especially since you have been hurt before.and i can never forget what you once told me - you can hold it in and ride it through. well now,i am giving it back to you yo.you dont need me.you dont need me at all.i am just a freaking pawn in your chess game and i am not going to be one of your pawn.

but nevertheless,i am someone of blood and feel.i feel for you.i do feel for you but didnt i told you before it will end up this way? sigh.people just never listen,stubborn-headed.and so what else can you do? hold the pain in and just wish for it to subside i guess.thats if it will ever subside.

i am changing that deadline.2 weeks at most.1 month.for the faith of god.(thats sarcasm by the way)

thinking of the things that've gone by

2009-04-08T00:47:00.006+08:00

this is going to be such a short post cause i am so darn freaking assing tired.

i have been doing notes from afternoons to evenings that tires me out and yes now i am super sleepy.

i have found out things that i am really not really not happy about okay,full stop.end of the story.you should just suck it up ad hold it in,yes you should

you know why? cause thats what YOU told me to do.remember? remember? remember? yes now you do know.i dont see why you cant do the same when you can advise me on it.seriously,do what you preach.if you cant do it,dont preach it.i am seriously being a b***** here.apparently,jesus's teaching of loving your enemies is not rubbing off me totally yet.i should go reflect upon it myself.but still,i am not a saint.

all these middle people shit should move out of the freaking way cause they only make things complicated.seriously.go get a grip la

i dont care if you are CO(*)(&()&)(& or K*(&*(^*^*&^(* or Z7(*^897084730987

i dont give a single shit.

how about deadlines? 2 months at least

you think its not easy on you,yourself.its all about you.lets just pause for a while and think a while here,should we?
how about me?
how about me?
how about me?
thank you for your consideration for once

no obnoxious or annoying behaviour

2009-04-06T19:51:00.002+08:00

my maid is being such a b****.

seriously,she can just stop pms-ing and stop stop stop blowing her temper on people around her which is so freaking unfortunate that it happens to be me.its just so damn horribly annoying.even my patience has limits and banana damn it,she is freaking kidding pushing it to the bloody fudging max,i tell you.this has been happening for some time already and honestly,i have been tolerating and tolerating but today,it is just absurd okay.hello,its not even my fault for goodness sake,how in the mother world do you even link it to me?!?! seriously,my patience has a line.i am drawing the line RIGHT HERE.you had better pray hard and like hell you DONT EVER EVER EVER cross this damn line OR you will be so damn miserably sorry.

seriously,what is wrong? tolerating has its limits.there are things that i see and hear that i dont say but she just keep pushing it.just because i dont say anything,doesnt mean i dont care.when i want to say something,I WILL SAY MY PIECE.just dont push it.

people are freaking annoying me now.OMG.honestly.there is one other person now.another moronic looking for death idiot.

i am honestly annoyed now.VERY VERY VERY ANNOYED.seriously.

on another note,there must be a reason for why it all fell apart and here i am wondering why.

on another annoyed note,i am STILL annoyed.seriously,pms is such an incurable disease.i should just go ask my mum to ask my maid to remove her ovaries to spare her,the rest of my family and MYSELF of the pain.

its time to soothe my soul.

la vida es un viaje

2009-04-06T14:11:00.002+08:00

i havent started on my board,my journal,my books or my notes for my exams.

SHIT.

this is REALLY like scream,shout and then grab your head and bang yourself against the wall.

honestly? i am in panic mood of 24574359359308545098 now.this is so SHIT.

i really wish some professional doctor can invent a new brain surgery whereby you can open up the skull then pour in notes then screw it back and tadah! SMART KID! i would really so appreciate it with all my heart,soul,mind,feet,hands,hair and everything!

i am so exhausted.so so exhausted and i really wanna sleep but i have been sleeping so so much that it even amazes me.but i am still tired.what the kuku.

i need to start studying.this is no joke at all.

when will you even drill this shit fact into your thick skull? though its a shit fact,ITS STILL A FACT!

tonight.i will START TONIGHT.I DONT CARE.KNN.if i dont start tonight,i will ban myself from buying a instant polaroid camera.okay,set.thats on my priority list now (:

and i want a kindle (: oh please! yes please! the love of my life!

this is damn set.if today i study and i KEEP STUDYING,i will get that camera and then the kindle!

I AM BLOODY SET!

GAME ON.

i am tired.so so tired.

people have been saying i am very skinny.am i really that skinny? gosh.i really have no idea.gosh.

yes yes,i am skinny,i get that point okay.move on.

i am still coughing but i am still drinking coke.best.

Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans.

2009-04-04T21:56:00.002+08:00

my brain has been dead.

my energy has been really low considering that i took my medication already so i am actually seeing double visions now.SHIT.

this blog post is terrible

cause my mind is honestly shutting down really quickly

dead

and i still have to organise my vision boards.YESSSS.(wheeeeeeeeee)

i got to go.

i am half dead.omg.

and i hope you can leave me alone and yes,you.damn it.

in the meantime, we'll search for falling wishes

2009-04-03T17:11:00.004+08:00

lazy me.

thats me today.

and i feel sleepy already when its not even night time.

i had such a great sleep last night.i slept in the most comfortable bed ever on earth.and i just knocked out immediately.i love that kind of feeling.i just love it.i just do.

the thoughts in my head.i am slowly digesting them and asking myself,what are they trying to tell me.and just so what if its true? i cant do anything,can i? and just so what if its not true? i cant do anything either,can i? so either way,i cant do anything so why am i losing sleep and spending my time and energy thinking about such thoughts?

cause i still care.

cause no matter what happens,i still care.cause its you.its you.

i honestly should stop multi tasking cause i cant write and listen to music at the same time.

i am feeling like awkward shit right now,with my stomach being turned upside down,my head is hurting and my eyes are screaming to close.my health is like in the worst state ever.OMG.and that shortness of breath is not really helping me since i travel so much these days.OMG.

i just hope i dont collapse and faint on the streets.

this is a terrible blog post,i have to say,probably cause i want to sleep.

----edited----------------------------------------------

my energy level has been running terribly low these weeks.ever since my fever saga 3 weeks ago,i have been sick ever since.which so sucks.and now i have a breathing problem.seriously,whats next? perhaps my heart will be the next to fail me.

and i have to emphasize it again,you are such a *****.because of you,i am thrown into a whirlwind of thoughts again.and that irritates me to the max.plus the fact that i havent been able to fall asleep nicely these days.

POOOOOO.

I would rather be a ghost then play such hollow games

2009-04-02T09:43:00.002+08:00

okay. i told my dad that i have been having sleeping problems these two days.and i found out why today.its my body reactions,okayyyyy. jang. hurry come,damn it. see,i am getting so grumpy and crappy with its impeding arrival.shoot shoot. my back is TOTALLY killing me. i am thinking if i should hang around after school.that so depends on my mood.which is so unstable now.one moment,i want to stay home and rot with the mould.next moment,i want to go out and shop till i drop dead.the next moment,i want to do yoga.MOOD SWINGS.so typical of a lady.DUH. seriously.lets just get it over and done with,shall we? and you are a ***** i have made the statement of the day. the beginning of every month is going to be a rough ride,people. pooo. gratitude. i am grateful for everything in my life.i am very grateful cause i know i am very fortunate.but in a world filled with material things and lies and pretense,its easy to be caught up in all the drama and lose touch with one self. and thats when gratitude comes in i am grateful.i really am. i am heading for class now.but just when class is about to start,i discovered something interesting that i want to listen to.oh darn it.

emancipate yourselves from mental slavery

2009-04-01T13:58:00.003+08:00

something still feels wrong but i STILL cant pinpoint what is exactly wrong and its so incredibly frustrating.

something is just wrong.my heart tells me so.

it just gets on my really thin thin blood vessels.and when that happens,i am a really grumpy and easily irritable lady and when that happens to me,you wouldnt wanna be near me.TRUST ME.

and i dont like to have myself feeling all grumpy and crappy and irritable.i mean who likes that feeling?

something is just F*^*&%^&%*^( WRONG but i have no idea what it is.( that pisses me off)

perhaps i need to do some yoga and mediation and in the midst of that,i can break some bones since i am how inflexible now.(AWESOME)

yes,maybe YOGA is the way.

i shall go do some self yoga later and then pray that i dont break any bones later.(HOW COOL YO)

i seriously just need some time alone to myself.to get things organised.get things planned out.to actually look at my schedule and see what are the things i have to do.

i just want to sit on my bed with my nice pretty journal in front of me and i just write things down,write things off my mind cause honestly,i am losing touch.

i perfectly understand why i am losing touch.this isnt my lifestyle for the past 19 years of life.i cant expect it to change in a blink of an eye.thats why i need to constantly be in touch with it so i wouldnt lose touch.and the fact that i realise that i am losing touch,is a good sign.

i need my PRETTY journal.

this is IRREVERSIBLE and i am pushing through no matter what stands right in front of me.

BRING IT ON.

i will do that TODAY.

THE REST CAN GO SCREW IT.

and i wanna just laze in bed and read a nice lovely book thats great for my soul(MY FAVOURITE)

these thoughts are just manifesting in my mind,trying to cloud me.trying to tear me apart.but just to let you,you,you or you know,these thoughts are in my head but they cant control me.

OVER MY DEAD BODY

i would love to just sit down and read today

i love that idea.alone.

with your ring on my finger,i dont feel alone at all.

trusting things beyond mistake

2009-03-31T22:14:00.004+08:00

i have been grumpy these 2 days

not good

and i dont like that feeling.i need some time to myself

something feels wrong but i cant pinpoint what is exactly wrong.

something is just wrong.my heart tells me so.

many things are trying to tear me apart,trying to break me down and cloud my heart's calling.it can cloud my eyes for a while but it cant cloud my heart for long.a voice in my heart will call out for me to get back on the road.a voice in the heart,and not the voice in the mind for the voice in the head is evil.

and its only when i have time for myself,then i can hear my own heart.in the midst of the chaos of the world,i can barely hear myself,let alone the tiny whispers of my heart.

i wish i could pinpoint whats exactly wrong but i cant and the more i think about it,the more frustrated i will only get

darn

forget it.its nothing big anyway.

whatever

its you who matters NOW.

pretty notebooks please?

2009-03-30T08:56:00.003+08:00

another unearthly hour to blog

school is really great to make me blog at stupid time slots.poo.

i just found out that i have to present my statistics tutorial tomorrow huh.(which i am clueless about) - i REALLY feel like cursing now but i feel that i am in such a good mood today that i decided i shouldnt do that.i should ask my smart lou lou later (: AHA!

at least i did part b? haha.duh.cause its the easiest part and the question only consists of part a and b.i shouldnt pon class tomorrow.i have already skipped 2 tutorials in a row.i shouldnt skip.no no no.even if i hand in my presentation late,i also have to hand it late.better late than never(i sound like someone) *raises my eyebrows* haha.

yes yes.well done.proud of you.

my brain is not functioning at all today.thinking about it,since when does it ever functions? ermmmm.

i wonder if i should go to my favourite bookstore tomorrow to read books.AHHHH.heaven.my heaven.

and to shop for nice nice notebooks.this is such a fetish.shit.

and nice pens.

and nice books.

oh my.

i have this huge desire to pon genetics lab and go home to watch this hong kong drama serial that mummy just borrowed.so nice to watch.seriously.crime-solving.wooooo.

love it! (: